it's been so long!

So, ten months later, and many changes, finds me here.

I moved out into a house with my sister and a friend, Nancy. My brother bought it, a block away from him, with the good idea that I'd be babysitting for him monday-thursday and it'd make my life completely convenient. Which it did. I don't pay rent in exchange for my services for his child, my darling nephew, Dylan.

The problem comes with the added fact that I pay the utilities on the house, and keep rent payments from the roomates. Things were going well until a had to pay a little over $600 on a speeding ticket from Virginia. It was not pretty.

Now, Nancy has moved out, Becky doesn't want anyone else to move in, and I am struggling to pay bills every month with the part-time Bed Bath and Beyond job. My brother promptly told me to have Becky split the utilities with me if she doesn't want someone else to live there. It's tempting. But I hate confrontation. Yet eventually, these things just find me out and force me to deal with them. SO today is going to be the day. The big discussion. Wish me luck.

On another note. The past two weeks have been insanely wonderful besides the house issue. A boy I love, told me he loves me back. To most, this would not be such a big deal, but for me, it is HUGE. It's a lot more than words. It surprised me and still does. And I'm not quite sure what this feeling is. . . elation? Happiness? Bliss? Maybe an assortment of many. I'm not sure. But I do know, nothing could convince me more that I am the luckiest. To get to love, and be loved. It's perfection in and of itself.

I turn 23 a week from tomorrow. We'll see what's in store for the next year of my life. And hopefully I'll write more of it down :)

it's been so long!

[moments unguarded]

::

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

You're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone... oh
Goodbye, baby
Goodbye, baby
With a smile, baby, baby

::

back here again

mmm, you have no idea how good it feels to be back; writing again. Letting this tea cup and a few haunting melodies soothe away the day's frustrations and stop some of life's endless thoughts.



My throat began to protest tonight. I tried some green tea already and have moved to chamomile. Each time I swear I had a knock-down-drag-out fight with the honey bottle. Sigh. It shouldn't be that difficult to get a little sweetener. Ever.



It seems as though so much is going on, yet it's not really. Just changes. Adjusting to life and the constant details that are part of day to day living. I'll find the time in the next couple days to fill in the spaces in that last sentence. Until then, sleep is the order of tonight.

So here's to tea cups and late night journals: They keep me sane.

it's a battle

Sometimes I wonder what the heck I’m doing. Sometimes I sit at this desk at work and I want to put my head down and pretend I’m somewhere far away from this place; away from the problems, away from the difficulties, away from normal. But I can’t run from life can I? Can’t avoid what has been placed within me and around me. I could manage to get away from it for awhile, but it’d always catch up, haunting my every day and night. It leaves me feeling like I would just love to quit sometimes. Give up trying. Give up caring. Not feel obligated to carrying this cross.

It’s not in me though. Not in me to give up even though I wish I could at times. So I still am alone in what feels like an open field, grasping empty pages-- hoping I'll manage to put down my heart in words if nothing else. I stand, clad in an armor that is made of nothing more than a fear that is my own making. I have no physical armor anymore. I can’t compensate with pride, or beauty, or wit. I simply exist here; sure I should be so much farther along, but not knowing if I really want to be there. I am not brave, nor courageous. I am such a fool. I once wanted to know what it was like where I feared to tread . . . was I this serious?!