Pastor Adam

My youth pastor inspires me. He is such an amazing man of God. He's 26, has 3 kids, and one on the way. He's been one of the most influential people in my life, and still is. The last few weeks he's given me more than enough to think about and pray about. He constantly challenges the kids of my youth group, and is always pushing me to be a better person, a stronger christian, and a faithful believer. I can't imagine what my life would be like had he not been a part of it. So every week, I'm gonna post what I learned, and things that impacted me or left an impression on me. This one will be from a few weeks ago. And the next post will be this past weeks. Here goes... I hope they come out in words as well as they did in person.

::: 10.13.04 ::: "Heavenly Minded"
Am I heavenly minded or earthly minded? Colossians 3:1-2, "Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits at God's right hand in the place of honor and power. Let heaven fill your thoughts. Do not think only about things down here on earth." And Hebrews 12:1, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us." Does the Bible ignite me or just seem like stories that I read? What would my epitaph (gravestone) be if I wrote it today? What will people say about me when I'm gone? I'm daily writing my gravestone. What would Elijah and Moses say about me if they were to discuss my life? What are my actions speaking to Jesus about my love for Him? Imagine 3 gravestones void of any writing. They're waiting to be written on with words of your life. Think of 3 words that could be put on those gravestones that would define who you are. The first gravestone may say Nice. You're nice to everyone. You smile at people. Let them go before you in traffic. Even tell them how much you appreciate them. When asked, people say you're nice. What Jesus sees on that gravestone is not nice but Coward. You may be nice to people, but are you leading them to the only One that can save them? You may be nice, but you're watching people go to hell. Maybe the second gravestone says Popular. You drive the right car, are seen with the right people, and do the popular thing. Jesus sees Compromised. Nothing should matter to you if you are wholeheartedly devoted to Jesus. Nothing. "Why couldn't people get along with Jesus, but they can all get along with me?" (Pastor Adam) Revelations 3 "I know your deeds..." "Outside manifestation means nothing if I am really dead on the inside." (Pastor Adam) As long as I have breath, I am not done with Jesus. The third gravestone is left. Written on it is the word Religious. The only group Jesus condemned were the religious. (Matthew 23:27) The devil himself knows Jesus and scripture, so what makes me any different than him? Jesus does not see religious on that gravestone, he sees Hyprocrite. Am I bored with God? Bored leads to hypocrisy. So why do I go to services? For God's glory or to feel good? Luke 6:22 "Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and insult you, and scorn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man." Revelations 2: 4-6 "You have left your first love..." We can sit under and annointing every week and it either softens or hardens our heart. In Hebrews 11 it talks of people who were leaders and examples in faith, and in verse 38 it states that they were, "Men of who the world was not worthy, or men that were too good for this world." The world didn't matter to them, the kingdom did. They were heavenly minded. Be heavenly minded in this world.

Enjoyable Days

A squirrel devoured my pumpkin. I'm not talking a nibble here and a nibble there. I'm talking, devoured. As in, what's left is the bottom and the tea lights. It's crazy, I now have killer squirrels that live in my backyard. I didn't know they even did that. And since when do they like eating pumpkins? Needless to say I will have to carve another one if I have time, or just forget it and be sad about my demolished work of art. Life goes on hehe
And I've had fun hanging out with Brittany and Christian the last few days. Today we went and saw the President! That's right, Mr. Bush! It was awesome!! I took lots of pics, and we got to see Air Force One pull inot the airport and everything. Haha, it was so much fun!
And I actually must run. it's 2 am and I'm going to IHOP to eat french toast and hang out with Sammy... he's such a good guy. I'm off, to enjoy all night diners and french toast with lots of syrup! Later!

Minor Issues That Seem To Make Me Psycho

The Thailand entry will have to wait because there are other things on my mind at the moment. I was online earlier tonight and had a few things happen. The first one consists of Tony Eich. Tony, a guy I have known for 3 years. We used to work together at Bob Evans. Now we hang out occassionaly when there's time. At one point in time there could have been something, at least the possibility of something, but it just never happened. God's will is sovereign, I trust that. Now, we're friends, we hang out, we argue about stupid stuff, and somehow just can't seem to really say what needs to be said. Or maybe I can't say what needs to be said. I think sometimes I am too much of a girl about things. I guess girls just like feeling wanted, like we're not just here to have you (guys) call when it fits your time frame. And he refuses to be the guy. I have to call him, or his friend has to call me. I hate it. I mean, be the guy and do it yourself. So everytime I do call him, it's the attitude that comes across. The "I don't really have time for this convo, why are you calling me, this isn't that important, okay, uh huh, yeah, talk to you later." So I just feel like a jerk for even calling. And when I try to tell him that, he thinks I'm "paranoid" and "psycho" about it. That I read too much into it. I don't know, maybe I do. But the best part of this convo with him tonight on IM was when he said this. "I think this quote kind of applies, 'When a man fears death, he has already died 100 times over.' " And I asked him to explain and he said, "When you focus so much on what's not, your missing what is." So I asked, "You think I'm missing the what is?" He replied, "Could be."
Well you can imagine this made me think quite a bit, I mean, he knows me fairly well. He might have a good point. But that's when I realized he was saying that I read too much into whatever it is he and I have, which is some kind of friendship/ who knows what. That I'm paranoid about what's not there, and I'm missing what is there. And the more I thought about it, the clearer I became on my thinking and what I have in reply to that statement. And that's this: The only reason I think about 'what's not', is because there's no 'what is'. He and I have nothing. A lot of that is because he's never wanted anything. And some of it is because at the times I may have wanted something, God said no. So I just dealt with it. But it's convenient for him because he knew I liked him at one point, he knew too much. And now, he is still the closed off statue that he so enjoys being. Coldhearted, untouched, unbreakable, and unconvinced he should be anything different. It's sad. That's all there is to say. It's sad. And maybe it is me trying to break through all that, but he could care less how hard I try. He just watches absently, while still remaining as emotionless as ever. Now how would that make anyone feel? Let alone a girl that cares enough about him to try, and gets no where? Aggrivating. I've had enough and am so tempted to forget the whole thing and say "I don't care." So knowing that I still do care I came to this conclusion. I'm done. Done calling, done trying, done attempting to get through. If he wants to be Mr. Iceman I am fine with it. I don't want to waste my time trying to get through. Yes, I care. A lot. But I can't keep this up. It kills me. If he wants to keep up with whatever he thinks we have, then he can. I'll be here for him no matter what and he knows that. He's a good guy, with a lot of potential, and a lot of good qualities, but he won't let a single soul near enough to find them. I see them every once in awhile, and that's why I care as much as I do. But I can't just let myself watch him pull back into his shell over and over again. It's too painful. I love who I see inside him, but he's too afriad to let anyone in. So I'll live with what he portrays, I'll be friends with the guy he lets everyone see and know. And I'll hope he oneday opens up to someone who cares about him as much as I do. Be who you are Tony. Be the guy that I knew and loved.
I need a breather after those words. That was rough to think, let alone write. They take a lot out of a person. The second thing that happened to me tonight has to do with a marine guy that wrote me on that online thing. It's so stupid, yet I still check the mail guys send me lol. A girl can still hope can't she?? Anyways, he's a marine in Seattle, and he was like "I'll be in Cleveland on Sunday for a few days, you should come and hang out." I admit I was freaked out, and thinking "Who actually does this stuff?" He said he was a big people person and loved having friends all over. And for a minute I actually considered it until common sense won over and I realized I had to be insane to drive 2 hours to meet a guy I had never met and said all of 30 words to. A little scary that I even thought about it. Maybe I am becoming psycho.
So that was the drama of my life today. Pam and my dad stopped over today to chat, and they borrowed my car while they're in town. So that was a good convo. And me, Lisa (my little sister), and my mom had a good convo about college and going away, and all that fun stuff. A lot accomplished. Tomorrow I really have to call walmart about working, and maybe hang out with my friend Sammy in Bowling Green. Then it's youth group, and Brittany's house for a little party she has that revolves around the show Smallville. Never watched it, but could use the time with friends and maybe I'll get hooked on the show, never know what might happen. But I can always use good friends. And Brittany is one of them. She's awesome.
So that's it I guess. Just had to get some stuff out of my head. I'll write again within a few days, or sooner if something interesting happens, tho it normally doesn't. Smile :) Gnite.

Pumpkins!

Today was a blast from the past. I carved a pumpkin! It is small, I admit, but so adorable. It has 3 stars on it... a big, medium, and small one. And they look like shooting stars. And there's a half moon too. I surprised myself actually... I haven't carved pumpkins since I was 8 prolly. But what fun! Got to get all messy, and then feel proud for my very own work of art :)
What else did my day consist of?
I drove my dad around on some errands he had to do... so we talked a bit. It was a good time. Discussed college and the future. And maybe a trip to Thailand that I really want to take. But that subject deserves a post of it's own... so maybe tomorrow. But my dad just encouraged me to do what I really want, to not sell myself short, and to persue my dreams. He's always been the traveler, the dreamer , the one that wants to see the world. And I'm exactly the same. My mom has never liked that. But I want so much more from life than Toledo, and a good career, and a stable income. That's no fun. That's predictable. And I don't want to be predictable. I want to take a trip to Thailand. I want to go to school out west. I want to own a bookstore. be an editor. Write books, or short stories or poetry. I want to persue dreams I thought I would never be able to make happen. Money always held me back, and maybe a fear that i'd screw everything up. but I don't want to fall into the mundane and never have excitement. Maybe I'm too much of a dreamer. My mom seems to think so. She's tried to cage me my entire life and have me just be sensible. So where will life lead me? Sensible and rational? Or risky and adventurous? Or both. I think those can be combined. So we'll see where life leads.
And that concludes my day. Tomorrow will be a post on Daniel and Thailand. That is, if I have internet tomorrow. My mom is in the proces of changing stuff, so I may be without it for a few days at any given time. If so... the next entry will make up for it. Till then - Gnite!

Family Dinner .... And Still Sick

Well, I didn't go to church. I didn't go pick apples or carve pumpkins,. And I certainly did not get better. I didn't sleep hardly at all. I eventually dropped into a dead sleep at about 9 am after giving in and taking medicine, and was out cold till about 3 pm. I then laid in bed, half asleep, half awake until 4:30. I felt like I could've stayed there all day. So I got up, got dressed, popped a few more cold pills, and went out to eat with my dad, stepmom, two stepbrothers, older brother and sister, and my younger sister and me. It was fun, but I felt out of it the whole time, wasn't that hungry, and ended up just taking pictures the whole time. I went and hung out with my dad and Pam (stepmom) afterwards and talked and caught up, and then Pam brought me home. It was good. I enjoyed myself. And now I am sorely tempted to go crawl into bed, read for awhile, and fall into oblivion until tomorrow.
I might be carving pumpkins tomorrow if I feel better. I hope so. I want to really bad! I am off to read and sleep and try to make this pain in the butt cold go away. Gnite!

Sick, Saturday Night, No Power

So... still sick, but really, for Toledo, that's normal. It's basically Sick City. Might go to the doctor if it gets worse, but today I just ate soup and drank a boatload of hot tea with honey. Oh, and I had 2 sloppy joes. I love sloppy joes! I don't really know why. I mean, they taste good, but I think it has to do with feeling like a little kid. I used to eat sloppy joes all the time when I was little. That, and macaroni and cheese. :) I still have a fairly consistent diet that mirrors the one I had at age 12. For example: grilled cheese sandwiches, spaghettio's and meatballs, macaroni and cheese, sloppy joes, cookies and milk (oreo's to be specific hehe), instant rice and milk (trust me, it's sooo good. Dump some sugar in there to sweeten it up and you could live on it! I'm told by my grandma it was a depression meal.... along with friend bologna sandwiches - which I still eat too!) But who wants to read about what I eat?
The rest of my day consisted of watching Legends of the Fall, highly quality movie... love Brad Pitt basically. Um, half of Mona Lisa Smile, not a big fan, but it' a pretty good movie. And I cleaned and reorganized my room, but didn't finish washing and drying all my bed covers and sheets, so I will be sleeping on the couch. It's okay though, our couch is comfy (is that a word?I'm using it anyways) and I just don't want to die from my throat closing and cutting off my air supply in my sleep. Valid want I think.
And then at about 9 pm, after sloppy joes and apple crisp my beloved grandma made, I was finishing up in my room, when the lights went out. I was sitting on my bed and my mom had just walked out and I yelled after her, "Um, mom... could you turn those back on for me, I might need them!" That's when I realized my stereo had shut off, and my alarm clock, and every other light that was on. Needless to say, power was out in my neighborhood and I was kinda bummed. So me and my mom stumbled through a pitch black house and eventually lit candles and kerosene lamps and chilled in my living room telling old stories and a few new ones. Good times. It was only out for about an hour, but it just hasn't happened for awhile.
And about 15 minutes ago I had a great convo with my older brother on AIM. I laughed so hard I was crying, going into silent laugh mode, and managed to fall off my chair, all the while, my mom is in the background on the couch "shooshing" me. Man, I seriously haven't laughed like that for a very long time. It felt good. My brother is great. And I love bragging about my family. So deal with it, cause I love them! Anyways, he's 24, just doing way better than most guys his age, has a house, a Jeep Wrangler that's all modified, an Audi TT, he's funny, smart, determined, driven, ambitious, cute, and like 6 foot. Doesn't get much better ladies! If or when he gets married... she'll have to be one heck of a girl to get him.
Well, it's bedtime for me. Church tomorrow, and my dad and stepmom are in town, so we're all going out to eat. It'll be fun. And I get my camera back from my dad! I can't wait... I have this need to just take pictures... like of my friend Tony's dog who's name is Charlie. He's adorable! And I just want to be able to take pictures. It's gorgeous here in the fall and there's so many good opportunities for aspiring photographers like myself. Okay, I just like taking pictures. :)
I almost forgot! I'm supposed to be going apple picking and pumpkin carving tomorrow with my friend's Christian and Brittany! Oh, what fun this will be! I love fall! And before I burst into a detailed description of why, I must go. This sick and hacking girl needs sleep. Gnite!

Sick and Miserable

Last night was a lot of fun. The Grudge was scary but not that great. I woke up today with a sore throat that makes me feel like I'm swallowing needles, and a stuffed up nose, and a cough that sounds horrible. Basically I'm dying. Pray I live through the day :)

Tryin To Look Good On Friday Night

Friday night...and I actually have plans! I know, I know... shocking. hehe I'm going to hang out and go see The Grudge. Fun fun!! I'm expectantly awaiting Christian who is bringing me a mocha chill from Beaner's... mmm mmm good! Ok...I'll write more about life later. And I think I actually look cute tonight :) Considering I tried... I hope I look good. I could use a man to just agree with me on that hehe. Ok, I'm outta here. Later!

Memory Lane Is Far Too Long

This post finds me sitting at my desk at 2:30 am with nothing to do but write. I find it funny that even when I'm tired, I just want to write. And I am tired. Believe me. My contacts are so dried out I have to keep blinking to refocus. They're starting to rub on the inside of my eyelids. It sounds painful, I know, but actually in some ways, I am used to it. People tell me I'm horrible at taking care of my eyes. I sleep in my contacts all the time. Probably why they are starting to burn at this very moment. But I wear them 24 hours a day anyways because taking them out means it'll hurt all the more putting them back in approx. 12 hours from now for another week. They'll make it a few more days. I hope.
I've been rethinking my life of late and have decided to let this journal really just be that... My journal. No preplanning of any sorts. Just a dialogue with myself. Well, that sounded depressing. But really, I like talking...er writing, putting things down. It helps me clear my head. Makes the fog lift just enough to not miss out on my own life. And I don't want to miss a single minute of my life. I don't want to be a spectator. Who does? But it happens. I know I've done it too many times. That feeling when you feel like you're watching your own details on a big screen...And realize you've lost it somewhere. Lost out on what's important. No more. I know I don't have control of my life, and I don't want it, because honestly, I don't have it all figured out. But I know Jesus can be trusted to give me direction. So I'm just gonna go from there.
I currently live in the flatlands of Ohio. Northwest Ohio. Toledo to be exact. A city that consists of way too many restaurants, lots of clubs that don't really interest me, and the most random mixture of people known to man. You could prolly find someone from every country in about 15 square miles. It's great. Cedar Point, the roller coaster capital of the world a mere 45 min away. (What more could I want? hehe) Which I still haven't been to since last year I think. Wow...It's been too long when I don't remember the last trip! :) What I love most about Toledo tho, is the river. It may be nasty, brown, muddy, and not that majestic looking... And that's stretching it, but I love how it runs right through the city. And on an overcast day it's awesome to sit on the bank and just observe. Just enjoy the city for what it is, and that's my hometown. Where life has led me back to at the moment.
For a year prior to this date I was in Virginia. Southwest Virginia in the Blue Ridge Mountains. 5 minutes from the Parkway that climbs, and winds, and seems to catch all who travel it in the most natural human need to just enjoy the beauty that exists and not rush life, the day, or the hour. Just breathe and enjoy. It truly is captivating and amazing. I stayed with my dad and my stepmom in their house in the mountains. It had a great porch swing. I'm gonna miss that. The sunsets that made me drop everything and just stare. The clear skies of bright blue when the fighter jets and little planes would leave streaks of white across the brilliancy. The millions of stars that would seem to appear out of nowhere and would look like diamonds thrown on a blanket. I couldn't get enough of them. And oh, watching the rain as it approached, sweeping over the mountains and treetops just beyond the valley, watching as it made it's way closer and closer, until it was right in front of me. Huge droplets that pounded the roof and made me want to just curl up in a blanket and be lulled to sleep by it's steady and musical rhythm. Lightning storms of power and beauty. Quiet mornings of fog and blissful silence. Silence is so relaxing. It demands reflectiveness and peace. Why I left, now I don't know. But I didn't at the time either. It just felt right. Felt like what I was supposed to do. So I packed up my things, said goodbye to the land that is truly a little bit of heaven, and drove the 450 miles to Toledo, back home. For what, I don't know. But I'll find out eventually. Eventually.
Man, I really got caught up in that description. That's just the creativity coming out. The writing taking over. Gets a little heavy sometimes when I just let go and don't think. When I just remember. When memories replace the present. When I just type. I'll try not to make this too freaky and weird for people who think I already am nuts. And I just confirmed it. Well, what can you do? So I'm a crazy girl from Ohio that likes writing way more than she should. I can deal with that.
Ok. Okay. I like spelling it out I think. Adds more emphasis it seems like. Some words just strike me as being perfect. Like simplicity. I love that word. So... I don't know. When I run out of adjectives I must be winding down...My brain decides to not work that hard. Sad I know. My brain turns to mush. I'll call it a night. Head to bed before 4 am tonight. Man...I just felt my stomach churning. That doesn't feel good. Not a good sign when I get sick right before bed. Maybe I drank too much milk the last few days with all the cookies I've been eating. Most people don't know I'm lactose and tolerant. haha That was so random. Ok, I'm getting cramps, time to get a move on and get this girl to bed before I die. Tomorrow will be another day and another entry...Possibly. Goodnite.