Short Novel

Mmm, listening to Jason Mraz... so good. "Dreaming to sleep, next to you feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town. Counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes and they all fall down. And as I lay me down tonight, I close my eyes, what a beautiful sight. Sleeping to dream about you, and I'm so tired, of having to live without you. But I don't mind, sleeping to dream about you. And I'm so tired...."
So worked 4-11:30 tonight. And yesterday I did, and tomorrow I will too. Just a long week. The kind I hate. but I will survive. This Saturday I start full time. No fun. But I need money, and hey, gotta do what you gotta do. So after this week I will be working 5 nights a week. 4-12:30 pm. And then 2 days off to try and spend time with friends. We'll see how it goes. Basically my friend and family time will just drop out of existence. And my friends will prolly be busy on the nights I'm off, and so my life will go on as usual with books, and movies, and time spent writing in the numerous journals that I have to let everyone know I am still alive. i just started another journal... I'm just addicted to writing. I need a therapy group in Toledo...
So me and my little sister talked for a long time today. We're going to start a greeting card company. Ha, I know what you're thinking. A 17 and 19 year old... but hey, life's about dreams and embracing them... so we are. My mom offered to help, I already did up our logo, good friends of ours are in the printing business and know contacts, and their daughter does cards herself. So between everyone we should be pretty covered. And a distant cousin of ours (like 3rd or 4th) is Suzy Spafford, the lady that invented and owns Suzy's Zoo (it's a specialty card, scrapbook, and accessories company) out of Cali, and she said she'd help too. That's the new adventure of recently. Prayers are always accepted lol :) But it'll be sweet, and I'm excited.
Oh and Brittany asked me to help her with starting this awesome daycare idea she has... so I'm seriously considering getting by business degree and doing that with her and Liz, and whoever else. I mean, I haven't heard back from Rockford yet, so I may just see what happens. But there's so many things that keep coming up to do, and I want to make sure and look at all the options available and do God's will and not mine. Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I just know I would love to do a card company, and a daycare, and even a bookstore later on. (Janelle, you know I would in a heartbeat... so I hope you still want to!) And I would definitely need and benefit from a business degree for all of those. And ya know, youth and ministry are always available. And I haven't told many people, but I'll just tell you friends, since I love you so much, that my youth pastor up here resigned a few weeks ago, and isn't moving, he's just not going to be a youth pastor anymore. He's starting his own church in downtown Toledo, an extension of Solid Rock, and asked me to go with him. And I am. So these next few months and this summer will be all about planting a church. His last Wednesday is this week, and next Sunday is his last day at Bethel. I'm soooo excited. At first, it seemed way out of my league and I am scared to death, but God is good, and he's got my in the palm of his hand. haha I'm going to help plant a church!! In the gehtto! Saweeet! So that's the new news. Life's crazy.
Okay, it is 1 am... not that its super late for me, just that this post is freakin long and I know hardly no one has read the whole thing... so i'm done. hope everyone is having a good week! Talk to you sometime soon! Love ya!

Haircut! I think i like it.  

When You Come Back Down

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone

You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own

Before it slips away

When you're flyin' high, take my heart along

I'll be the harmony to every lonely song

That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air

I'll be your solid ground

Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there

When you come back down

When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return

My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn

And I won't feel your fire

I'll be the other hand that always holds the line

Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine

I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end,

To hear you when you call

Angel, you were born to fly,

If you get too high I'll catch you when you fall

I'll catch you when you fall

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings

I know the sky is calling

Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air

I'll be your solid ground

Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there

When you come back down

Take every chance you dare,

I'll still be there

When you come back down

When you come back down

Today

I do love today. Sleeping in. Raining. Sleet. Snow. Winter Weather Advisory. Staying indoors. Reading. Talking to good friends online. Bumming. Relaxing. Listening to music. Today is great.

Thinking Outloud

I know blogs prolly shouldn't be serious and all, but I am every now and then and need to write down what I think. So if you don't like the seriousness, don't read! :) That's my advice. Because this will be a contemplative post, one that lets me think as I write. Not thinking before, or even pausing to, just writing and letting the words go straight from my head to the keyboard. So who knows... that's my intro. Fabulous don't you think?!
Of late, many situations, conversations, and opportunities have come up to make me see more clearly the aspect of learning to "count everything a loss, compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him..." I know that we don't have to give up necessarily everything physically, more or less, it's normally just mentally surrendering. But lately, it's been physical things for me. It's been rough. Not as in my car, or my books... but as in people, actions, friends, hopes, dreams. Things that I thought I was fine in holding,b ut am realizing now that if they aren't included in His best for me, then why hold onto them? So slowly he has been asking me to let go. Its so hard. I never had a hard time giving up things like my car, and my "need" for clothes or shoes or entertainment. Those things don't matter much for me. Even my beloved camera. It's a thing, and it holds no piece of my heart. But people. Friends. Hopes. Those things are all a part of me. They have in some way become attached to my heart, my soul. As well they should. What would a friend be if they didn't impact you in some way? But to let go, to disentangle them from the strings of your heart, that is proving to be gut wrenching. But possible. Real. Tangible. So it is with a heavy heart that I write this. Knowing that halfway across the world, I have let go of my hopes there, as much as I have here. And so I write, saying that altho it is painful for me to let go, it is also peaceful to let go, knowing that I am doing what he has asked me to do, and being filled with a love far greater than I have ever known. A love that is becoming soley focused on one thing... to know Him and make Him known. And to love him a bit more today than I did yesterday.
I think that is all. Sorry for going serious on you kids, hope it's okay every now and then :) love you all, and have a fantastic day!

"she's such a good dancer..." 

"yeah, yeah, yeah!" 

"You got me feeling it..." 

"I'm so caught up..." 

"get low, get low, get low..." 

Dance Party!!!

Me and my little sister are busting out the dance moves and getting crazy! Pictures are to come.....

This Is A New Day

Ya know what?? Life is too short to be wasted, too swiftly moving to not savor the moments, and to dog gone good to not want the best out of each and every day!! So this is a new day, a new list, and a new attitude!

My Resolves:

1. Just because I am 19 and single does not mean in any shape or form that I am in any way lacking or looking. I am content to know that I am still in love with Jesus, and am completely satisfied with him being the one and only at this point!

2. What honestly, could be better than having amazing Godly friends in life?? I mean, I know Rocky Road ice cream comes close, but really?! If you contradict this in any way, I can set you up for a therapy time with me, my number is 419.699.0436.... anytime day or night. (During the day I am normally in bed tho...)

3. Altho it is easy to get down when life hits hard, and believe me, life hits hard, I am finding that it is the exact time that suddenly you realize this is where you get to put to use that endurance and perseverence that never seem to find its spot in life. James 1:4 "Pereseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything." So rock on, push through, keep your chin up, and keep the prayer chats going cause you'll need 'em! Enough said?!

4. Yes, I may very well be overwhelming at times with my faith, and very firm in what I believe and why, but since when is it wrong to want the best for others, and if being blunt every now and then is what is needed, I am not going to shy away from my ability to say what needs to be said. So deal with who you are, dig deep and figure out what you believe, and if you think you're right in doing wrong, find some scripture, and then come talk to me. I mean, come on, you can't hate and love... can't serve two masters, let's get over Royal Rangers 5th grade sunday school lessons and learn how to live our lives in a holy and Godly way!

5. I am very well aware that I like sleep a lot. I take it when I can get it. But I love reading much more. So if I stay up till 5 am reading and get up at 11 am... do not even think about saying I am lazy or that I could accomplish more if I got up at the crack of dawn. If I got up at 8 am I would sit and drink coffee that I hate for 3 hours before I even felt awake and human enough to function like a normal and thriving teenager that I am. And if you knew what was good for you, you'd be sacrificing some time for a nap, cause they do wonders for you... you should really attempt to understand this kindergarten pasttime that has now become one of my own.

6. I need a vacation, and that will consist of me going to my dads house in March, probably the 14-18 or somewhere in there. Anyone who would love to come along to a house/cabin getaway in the Smoky Mountains amidst no traffic, beauty, and a porch swing... call me. The number is listed above. I would love your company!! Life's all about the beautiful moments that make it worth living.

7. If people, in any shape or form, think that I think of myself as better than others, believe me your assumption is way off base. If there is one thing to be said, it is that I am learning and figuring out life just as much as Suzy next door, so let's just get back to basics. I am not better, I am not above, I am on the same level, on the same boat, sitting at the same table as you. We're basically both drinking from straws and sharing the same glass of water!! So can we call it even and just be friends?? (And can we drink something other than water... like maybe grape juice? I am not a big fan of water for some reason... sometimes it tastes weird to me. )

8. If I should even bring this up... hmm. Okay, just because you don't like someone or haven't in the past, gives you no right to say that they are not good enough for or don't measure up to standards you have. If my friend gets asked out by a great guy, and I mean, great guy, and you for some reason think he's a jerk... look around. Everyone thinks he's a great guy. And plus, it's none of your business!! So maybe we need to uh, be a little bit more happy for friends and their happy lives, because hey, happy is good! if you're not happy, then don't take it out on their good mood and elation.
8a. Janelle and Jason, by the way, let me just add a side note of admiration. I love you guys. I think you're both amazing. I know you both love God. You both make me smile. So yeah, you're just stinkin adorable.

9. I am immensly awake at this moment and I have so much to do tomorrow. Which brings me to number 9. I am not going to judge my productivity for the day by how many things I cross off my to-do list every night. Whether on paper or mentally in my head. My day is no longer going to consist of items to be knocked off the list, but enjoying moments, taking in the day, making time for a conversation and some cookies with my grandma, and maybe have a long overdue phone call or conversation with a friend. No more strictness. Lists will always be there. Today will not.

10. I am under no illegal substance of any kind in wriitng this, in case you were wondering, altho it is almost 4 am. But I am simply seeing life with a different perspective. I thoroughly enjoyed this list and making Jason wait till I was done to talk was also another added pleasure, because sometimes I need to take time for me and me alone. This was one of those times.

I do hope this made some sense and that jason is not idle because I've been ignoring him while typing out my new outlook. I hope this day begins beautifully, no matter what that may mean. I am in fact getting snow at the moment. But that's okay. I can deal with snow. I like snow. And I like friends. And I love having them. You are all wonderful and one of a kind, know you are appreciated and loved dearly. Hve an utterly fabulous day all!!

Just a Little Post

:: Sigh :: Do you ever notice that life hits you with things all at once? Like spacing them out would be too nice. Just somewhat frustrating, but I'm dealing.
I am glad that everyone had a good V-day, and altho I do want to hear details and all the sappy stuff, I feel I must wait to take it all in. Immediate consumption proves disastrous with those types of facts. But soon, very soon friends.
And I must go now, got some errands and things to do before picking my little sister up from school. A real post will come when I can actually type something of substance and not this randomitity. Love you all -

I got nothing.

Random thoughts from the moment I got up to coming home from work just moments ago:

1. Why should anyone have to be interrupted from a deep sleep with a loud obnoxious alarm clock?? It just seems so disturbing to me. Sleep is just too important.
2. Great! Raining. Even better. Now my pants will get soaked cause my shoes splatter water in every possible direction. Fabulous.
3. Ah Work. But only 4 hours and then back home. That is what I hold onto, leaving this place from the moment I step through the sliding front doors.
4. Some customers insist on taking 5 minutes to write a check, after they've waited in line for 10 minutes, and now I still have a line to east asia at my register. And we have an electronic writer. Just sign the check already!
5. People always comment on how its ridiculous that a pack of gum should cost 20 cents. "Why, back in my day, I could by a pack twice that size with just a nickel! They're robbing us I tell ya!"
6. And older man and his wife are in line and she goes back to get something. He tells me their 50 wedding anniversary is next week. We discuss how that doesn't happen very often. Then He says, "And would ya believe that we've never made it to fight #2 yet?" I replied quite astonished, cause gosh, that's pretty good! Then I asked in return, "Well when was fight #1?" He chuckles and smiles, "Well sweatheart, we're still having fight #1, it's never ended! 50 years of arguing and we're getting pretty good at it!"
7. Bless the Lord, time to go home.
8. Still raining. Bummers. And I don't even think I'll get a nap in today. :: sigh ::
9. I despise slow drivers when I just want to reach my house.
10. Mmm, homemeade vegetable soup. Grandma's been cooking! That just brightens my day!

Tears fall so swiftly and silently
I can hardly feel them running down my cheek
A stirring so deep within my soul
But I am unsure what it is the prodding seeks
Just to close my eyes
Brings a ripple of energy, or warmth, of heat
My abdomen catching and releasing
The tension flowing from my head to my feet
I am so lost in this darkness
But know that soon I will be found by you
Nothing looks familiar, and yet
My awareness of this place is all too true
From somewhere close to my side
Emerging from nowhere and yet everywhere
Feeling consumed by all that you are
You enfold me with peace, comfort, and care
A burst shattering in my mind
Penetrating light finding it's way within me
Abandoned to the darkness that is light
Nothing is left but just to be
My senses jammed with all of you
Wrap me in the folds of your love and grace
Tears fall swiftly and silently
You're right there to wipe them from my face