Another Day, Another Dollar

Ok, I just have to admit, that Jack Johnson who Janelle introduced me to, is really.... amazing. He's a surfer, gone songwriter and his stuff makes me want to:
1. Sit on a beach and watch the tide
2. Fall alseep in peaceful bliss
3. Drive anywhere and everywhere
4. Smell the salt of the sea in the breeze
5. Swing on a hammock with a book

So nothing too exciting to speak of. Let's see... I've got to see my dad for a few days, and we've had a good time. I'm buying an mp3 player. The Jason Mraz concert is a week from Saturday. I need to get an oil change. I need to go buy a book tomorrow. I'm taking some pictures tomorrow. I get to see Brittany!!! (That's just... you can't even imagine... I'm so thrilled!) Maybe see Christian and Jake if they go tomorrow night to Smallville at Brittany's (Doubtful, but a possibility). I want to hang out with Tony, but he's not too excited about that. Work has been pretty good. The guys are like instant older brothers. It's fun times, lots of laughs. So life is normal.

I can't think of anything else. Off to bed... maybe. I'll let Jack sing to me for awhile ;) hmm.... these songs are just lovely.

What I See

I don't love like most people love. I'm not afraid of dark cramped places of the past and reoccuring nightmares of your life. I'm not afraid of your deep waters and very real pain that is held inside. I'm not afraid to tell you I love you, and mean it wholeheartedly. I'm not afraid to stand before you and show you that I have nothing. Just know this. Being who you are is perfect, and I wouldn't want it any other way. You do make me happy. Whether you believe that is up to you. But it's the truth, and my heart. If it takes me the rest of my life to prove it to you, then I'll gladly give it. No time is wasted. I don't invest in worthless things. Life is the way it is and nothing can change it. I'm not trying to change you or judge you. Merely stating that I love you, and I always have hope. When I see you, I don't see bad, I see the good. The bad doesn't matter, because all in all, what matters is who I see. You think I only see what you put out there. I see more. I see you. let's see where this road leads... I'll be right behind you.

Returned

I am sorry for my mental breakdown last night.... it was a temporary need to just vent and be angry for awhile. But I am done, and over it. So just wanted to let everyone know.
I started writing a book. We'll see how far I get with that.
I'm going out to eat with friends tonight. I am so excited to see everyone!
My mom bought me and my littel sister Peeps. Those little marshmallow bunnies and birds.... mmmm I love these little guys!!
I hope everyone has a good weekend! Talk to you all soon

Gosh Darn It

I dislike myself so much right now. For being such a girl. For letting emotions get in my way. For feeling anything at all. I wish I could disregard things as easily as others do. I wish I could just start over and not be who I am tonight. I despise who I am right now and the fact that I can't be better. I can't just up and quit and walk away. And I don't know why. I don't know why I care, and why I make effort, and why everything and everyone gets thrown back in my face and then ripped away. I don't understand anything. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want anyone to feel pity or write and tell me how wrong I am and everything. Honestly and simply put... It's one of those times where I really want someone to hold me and not mind that I can't stop crying. I wish I wasn't such a girl at this moment. Lord help me.

Here I am
without you tonight
Do I miss you?
When don't I?
You have invaded
taken over my heart
but it's okay
I see you in pictures
read your words
hear your voice
but don't feel your arms
The wind sweeps past
brushing its fingers
along my window pane
And the cold penetrates
breeching my resistance

Follow me to here
wrap me in you
Send flowers
even a letter or two
But be sure
you follow them here

Heartbeats
Dance rhythms
Sun rays and moon beams
Long drives
Endless days
Trying to get myself to you
I live out the week
take care of myself
but I really just want
to take care of you
I see you in little things
throughout my day
grabbing spare moments
holding me steady
Here I am
without you tonight

Follow me to here
wrap me in you
Send flowers
even a letter or two
But be sure
you follow them here

Just follow me to here

Love Suicide

I was thinking today about how everyone just wants to be loved. That it's all we need, what we live for, and what we enjoy the most. Whether it's done correctly, by getting married and having a family, or even dating and having a committed relationship, thats what we most seek to find. Love. And what I see is that most just want to satisfy that as easily as possible. As quickly as possible. People I work with... so many are just looking for their next b/f or next g/f. So many thrive on going to bars 3 nights a week and going home with someone. Why do we just keep putting ourselves through the pain and the momentary satisfaction just to find when its over and done that it really left us emptier than before? I don't get it. I don't understand people and why they can't be happy being committed and respecting each other, and not treating others and themselves like there's nothing more or better than what they've found.
To an extent I do understand, because I definitely go through times and moments where I really just want to be held, or want to just cuddle up on the couch with someone and not have to worry about implications and repercussions. But at the same time, I don't want to waste moments like that on just anyone. I don't want to have someone fill in just to make me happy at the moment. And mostly, I really just don't want to give part of my heart away, I want to give my whole heart. So yeah, there are times I wish I had a b/f or a good enough friend that would let me get those feelings out of my system and not worry about any misunderstandings. But that never happens. And really, I have realized that i am not the type of person to love someone a little bit, or halfway. When I love people, friends or guys, it's love suicide. I seriously just hand over my heart and trust them. Maybe thats not so smart, but ya know, I don't think I'd want it any other way. I'd rather love completely and just put myself out there. Risks are a part of life I have come to accept. So love you friends, more than you know.
I think most of my thoughts of late are coming from work related things, mostly because I've worked 7 days in a row, and all I know of late, is work situations. So forgive me. I am so very tired, and am anxiously awaiting my bed, my feather comforter, and a book. Maybe some milk and cookies first. Even tho it is horrid to eat this late at night I am famished and could use some food to fill me up and seetle me into a nice deep sleep. Maybe some soup... mmm :)
I hope everyone is doing well. Forgive my lack of communication... I have been very bad about it this last week. And erica my dear friend, I missed dance marathon and feel horrible.... I slept in today and completely missed it. Forgive me? Miss you. And janelle, when was the last time we talked? Hope you're enjoying spring break! I miss you. Hope we talk soon. Oh and Bee my friend, so sorry I missed hanging out this weekend, I just couldn't fit it in, and I got off work at 2 am. Bad I know. But soon, we will get together, I promise!! Miss you bunches :) And Jason... I can't leave you out.... I miss our talks... but we're talking right now! So all is well. Okay friends, off I go... to bed with a book and sleeping in. The love of my life.... Not literally of course. Still looking for him ;)

Since You've Been Gone

The above is my song of the day... Kelly Clarkson... so great! And today my good friends I have taken a great leap of faith and landed ever so steadily on the faith that never waivers. I am placed on the rock that is unmoving and am finding myself all over again, and man, is it great! I am so... giddy hehe. I'm never giddy! I don't do giddy, but apparently, I do now :) And I felt so good, I went to a movie by myself, and bought popcorn and a drink and just slid down in the seat, put my feet up, and enjoyed my freedom for all it's worth. Then I came home, made a pit stop, said hi to my mom, and left again for Target! And I got some goods! I bought a pair of black heels... never wear heels, but thinking I'm going to now. I mean, they are fun, flirty and fabulous, and hey, why a not?! Life's too short.

So after I piled my new beautiful belongings into my back seat, I made for Family Video to rent movies and but cotton candy, cause it makes me happy. Who cares if it's loaded with sugar... actually is pure sugar?? Not a problem with me! I unloaded my heels, new sheets, down comforter, belt, tank top, boxer shorts for bed, and newly rented movies and made for my room like I was being chased my a madman. I ripped all my covers off, tore the sheets from the mattress, and unfolded those striped brilliant beauties from their wrapper and redecorated! I must say I am excited to sleep tonight, more than ususal ;) And a few days ago I bought some antigue white and light purple flowers for my room, and added those to my nightstand, and then put all my pillows back on my bed and headed to watch my movies and eat my sugar. Such a great day. I mean, really, you guys just don't understand my enthusiasm at this moment. This day is complete whack to my normal laid back life. I don't shop!! I despise spending money on things unless I am in dire need and am gonna die... but I assuaged (what is that word? I don't even know, but it sounds good!) my joy with spending money today. $150... *poof*... gone. But I don't care! It felt good for once. To spend and not freak. To buy something for myself that I wasn't in dire straints of needing. Trust me, it's not a new chronic habit, just a freedom I allowed myself.

So the reason behind all of this is merely, and really, the effect of me letting go. Of saying I can make it even when I didn't think I could. Of saying goodbye and feeling okay with it. Of being able to dance around my house like a mad woman and sing at the top of my lungs with my horrid sounding, offkey notes, and the drumming on the counter, and the air guitar on my leg.... it felt invigorating. Like life became more than it was. And it is exactly what I needed.

So tomorrow the sun rises on a new day. I can do nothing about yesterday, it has long been gone. And tomorrow is not guaranteed to me. But today, today I will live life to its fullest and rest once again in the shadow of wings that always protect me and guide me, never leaving me, and always loving me. Goodnight my dear ones, sleep well, and dream dreams that awaken your soul to the brilliance and the vitality of the life that surrounds you. Hope for tomorrow...

Lost

I've found myself lost at sea
Like a ship never to return to harbor
Surrounded by a sea so clear and so dark
It's depths ignite then consume every spark
Crystals dancing on the early morning's rays
Floating through time thats's unending
How did I let myself drift so far from shore
And why are you the one memory I can't ignore
Waves crashing down for hours around me in chaos
Disoriented and not sure which direction I'm headed
A storm brewing on the horizon moving this way fast
I don't know if I can handle this, I don't know if I'll last
I just want to feel the safety of your arms
To lean into the strength and hope you offer
I close my eyes in an effort to remember that feeling
To hear softly whispered words that always sent me reeling
I'm so tired of trying to stay afloat in the coming darkness
Memories haunting my every waking thought and dream
I'm so close to letting go, to abandoning myself to the night
I can't hold back anymore, I can't keep up this endless fight
My first mistake was getting lost in your eyes
Then later it was your gaze, your arms, your touch
I'm now lost in the sea of you
And this storm and fear of going under is all too true

To Have And Not Hold

Know that as I think of these words
As they appear with the stroke of my pen
Tears are falling steadily and quickly
For what never was, but could’ve been

Know that never once did I want to hurt you
I never wanted to see you look at me that way
I didn’t ever want to hear the pain in your voice
I didn’t want to drive away from you that day

After those days spent with you close by
Years of feelings made me frustrated with it all
At no moment was I mad or upset at you
Just disappointed that you once again put up a wall

You think honesty and emotion equals power
That by being real you expose yourself too easily
But know that as soon as you hold out that power
I refuse to take it and let you hold it permanently

I don’t want it, I never asked for it, and I don’t expect it
You act as though I’ll hurt you like many others in the past
You think I’ll be like everyone else you couldn’t trust
But you never let me prove I’d be the one to last

I have never played games with you
I have never been dishonest or fake with you
I trusted you to do the same, to give that back
The reality of my foolishness is now, all too true

You expect me to always come back, to be near
And you know I will every time because I care
But this time, I don’t know if I can pretend I’m fine
Only to see your face, hear your voice, feel your stare

So when you see me again, when I can’t look you in the eye
Know it’s because I can’t take the pain, and the feeling inside
Never have I hated you, never did I want it to be like this
But you have been the one to run, and the only one to hide

So when I hug you goodbye, when I smell your cologne and feel your touch
Know I won’t want to let go but I will for your sake
And as hard as it will be to get over you and what I feel
I know it’s what having you, but not being able to hold you, will take

Killing Me

My body feels like it got run over by a semi... multiple times. I knew it'd happen, I just wasn't too worried about it... but man. Talk about sore muslces. My shoulders, my neck, my legs, my back, even my fingers.... all due to walmart. But then again, I can claim the saying, "Pain is gain". So work is pretty much taking over my life at the moment. I work for 9 hours, sleep for 11, get up to eat before I go back.... it's insane, but thats because my body won't even roll out of bed till 2 pm. And even then, it's a challenge. I know I know... you guys are running on like no sleep and going to class.... I'm not complaining, just stating the situ. It's work, it's money, and it's getting in shape.
Other than that, life's just life. Moving right along. All these guys I work with are trying to hook me up with friends of theirs.. it's pretty funny. But they are good guys and we have a lot of fun. Most of them are married... so don't even think I'm back there for them hehe. And I try to see my family when I can... which is never. I haven't seen my mom for about 5 days. I work at 4, she comes home at 4:30, She's up and gone at 7:45, and I'm up at 2 pm. It's insane. But hopefully I'll get to hang out with her saturday and maybe catch a movie or something. I love my mom. She's cool.
Okay kids, off to eat some food, maybe relax a bit, then back to the day job. Hope everyone has a wonderful friday... and a beatiful weekend!! Till next time...

Once Upon A Saturday...

My Friday night was pretty fun, all it consisted of was about, oh... 5 hours of pool and a lot of friends coming and going, and eventually I just got so relaxed from shooting and playing that I just couldn't take anymore. I had to have played about 20 games. But it was a good time, and lots of laughs.
I got home at about 1:15, and my dad had called me earlier about being in town tonight and tom prolly. And he said my stepmom was driving up to toledo. So at about midnight my stepmom calls me and needs a place to crash for the night cause my dads not in town yet and my stepbrother, her son, is at work. So basically my stepmom slept in bed last night and we stayed up talking till 4 am. Good times. Who else's family do you know where their mom and grandma let the ex-husbands current wife... stay the night?! That's right folks.... prolly only mine lol. But hey, that's cool. So it was all good, and she was up and gone at the crack of dawn, cause she's just like that. Early riser or whatever it is those people are called that hate sleep. :)
And this morning.... got woke up by my mom telling me to clean the bathroom. No "good morning... go clean." Just the joyful and so enjoyable, "Deanna, get out of bed and go clean the bathroom before you go to work." That's it. Humph. I can tell it's one of those days where I just want to be mad.... but I'm trying to just stay calm and ride the day out. But it's just so frustrating sometimes.
So at 4 pm... in about an hour, I will be at work, starting in a new department at walmart. Working with one other girl and about, oh, 5 guys. Great huh? No. This is gonna be hard to get used to cause I don't know these guys, so I'm just praying it goes well and that for the most part they don't mind that I'm walking into a department that has never seen a girl before. Let alone one that has done their job before. So, that'll just be great.
And now, well, time to go listen to some music and try and relax a bit before work. Hope everyone has a good one and is enjoying their weekend. Peace out kids -

FRIDAY :)

1. I surprisingly loved pictionary online today... after much encouragement :)
2. I have done nothing but fold laundry, read, talk to my brother, and hang out with my sister today
3. I am going to see The Jacket tonight with Brittany. And I'm seeing The Pacifier tomorrow. I am in love with movies.
4. Me and my little sister were so hyper today... we called my family and left song messages on each and every cell phone... so great, right? I know!!
5. I keep putting off things I should do on my day off... but days off should be spent having fun and doing nothing! Right?! I sure do hope so, cause I accomplished nothing!
6. I am having the hardest time restraining myself from writing all the time.
7. I must go actually get dressed (at 7pm!) and maybe go out for a bit before the movie. Just to do something hehe
8. I thoroughly hope everyone has a fabulous evening... and an absolutely wonderful weekend!! Enjoy those emails, messages, comments, and time spent with people you love :)

Sigh

What a day. It's just... I don't even know. Today. Man...