Hmm... so new template. Erica inspired me to revamp and recreate. Janelle currently is also. Spring is a good time to do it I think. New and fun.

I think I am skipping days this month or something. Is it seriously the end of April? I have no idea where this month, this year for that matter, has gone to! It's just gone. Weird.
I have been working a lot, it seems non-stop sometimes, but I am looking for another job. Walmart simply cannot be my employment much longer. I'd rather be a shopper, enjoying the goodness and bounty of the place. Shopping there, when working there, really destroys the my whole thrill of the place. So this dilemma needs solving. And soon.
I started babysitting my neice every wednesday. She (Joslynn) is basically a real life cabbage patch doll. The most adorable baby I have ever seen. And I am not saying this because I'm biased! I'll get some pics to further prove my point. Gosh, I just love her to death. She's 8 months old and steals your heart within minutes of laying eyes on her. Tiny perfection, that's what she is.
I also have to start school this fall. I talked to my mom and she basically said if I'm not enrolled, I won't be covered by her insurance, and thats... well too expensive to not have. So school it is! It will be Owens. Not my top pick, but I can get it paid for with federal aid, and won't have to kill myself paying back loans. That word... loans... just makes me cringe. :: shudder ::
The beginning stages of the church plant are underway. Really, just meetings and prayer right now, but the planning and preparation get me excited. But pray for me when you think of it. I need it. I'm starting a church in the ghetto for goodness sakes! lol
So not a whole lot else going on. Lots of family time of late. Birthdays, dinners, out to movies, games... it's been a lot of fun. My little sister leaves for Kent State at the end of the summer and I will be here alone. Man, will I miss that girl. She can make me laugh till I cry and go into silent laugh mode. She's always up for going to mr. freeze for an ice cream run. We read each others minds and frequently catch ourselves making the same expression or saying the same remark at the same time. She forces me to go to the mall for my own good. And insists on buying me cute jeans because she knows I won't spend the money on them. She's amazing. I love that girl to death.

It is 4 am and I desperately need sleep. I got two and a half hours last night and was ready to keel over today. The fact my sickness has hunted me down to strike again has not helped one bit. But I got another prescription so hopefully that will get rid of it for good this time. I hope everyone's final weeks of exams and classes goes well. Love you all. Talk to you soon

:: deanna ::

Just moments ago I came upstairs in a mood that I don't often find myself in. Lonely. Like today was a day void of really any real friends to speak of. And it was dissapointing at first. I felt guilty for even thinking about feeling sorry for myself, let alone writing it down. And as I sat down at my computer ready to feel like an idiot about friends, I had a message from my new found friend Tiffany who was so quick to want to hang out and spend time doing nothing if that's what was going on. It was exactly what I needed, so thank you girl. And then Brittany... the friend I really don't deserve, loving me for all my stupid little quirks, and wanting to go to a movie, and reassuring me all my former fears were really not grounded at all. Thank you love. You overflow with a joy and constant giving of yourself. It is so greatly appreciated, never doubt that. And Jason and Janelle... praying for you loves. I know all will go well, because you both possess hearts after Him and you both have hearts for each other. Never lose that. It's beautiful.
And now, I am going to go lay outside on my trampoline for a few and then go to bed. Hopefully that is. We'll see if sleep finds me. Love you all, so incredibly much. Talk to you soon -

Deanna

Just smile and take it day by day...

:: Edit ::

It is 3:20 am. I just finished watching Armageddon. I love this movie. I haven't seen it for awhile. But I will tell you, it kills me everytime. I literally just sat in my basement, by myself mind you, and proceeded to cry just watching a film that is completely made up. Every time!! This movie... gosh. I'm not talking a tear rolling down my cheek. I'm talking, cry. Like mopping my face with my sweatshirt sleeve. I think tho, that a lot of it makes me think of my faith. I mean, Bruce Willis taking the place and sparing Ben Affleck's life, when he was clearly supposed to lose it. That's me. The one who picked the short straw and won't have a future. But Jesus takes my place. Maybe it's a stretch to imagine, but really, the concept is there. And actually, as much as I may see that, really the movie is just downright tear jerking. It's pathetic that I cry that easily over little things, but manage not to cry about hardly anything else. O well. That's me I guess. Hope you guys still love me lol. Okay, off to chat for a few and hopefully to bed before the crack of dawn. Night!

:: End of Edit ::

I have just downed 4 chocolate chip cookies in a matter of about 15 minutes haha. I'm so hungry after work... at like 2 am every night. And I know its horrid to eat that late at night, but man, I just feel so famished! So I made some mac and cheese and ate some cookies to tame my hunger. And I got off work 15 min early! Isn't that great?! Tomorrow will be a very very long night at work... there's so much to do. Hopefully I'm not there till daybreak. That would just... well honestly, suck. And now, I'm just chillin here at 1 am by myself... listening to a really random mix of music. I got country, rock, punk, acoustic, R&B, pretty much a wide assortment of... well everything. But I just love music. I really do.
Hold on... kitchen run for a juice refill....
Mmmm!!! In my fridge, hiding in the back amidst the mayo and ketchup and welch's juice containers was a tub of whipped cream! There was only a little bit left, but man, was it good. I finished it off, did my family duty, and threw the container away. I do enoy whipped cream an awful lot! What a nice treat to come home to. lol
Oh, and Bee, girl, if you do go to culinary school we will def have a bakery/bookstore! We'll lure and draw people in with your tasty treats and desserts and then when they are hooked, we'll let them see the pluthera of books at the ready for them to buy! What a fantastic plan! it is a perfect idea. And I def applaud the dreamer in you, because it is in me. So if you want to move to Pittsburgh, then go for it! And if you have room this summer... we'll add another destination to that road trip list. Better yet, we'll just strike out in a car with gas money and a map and head wherever we feel like it! I'll get out of Toledo anytime I can :)
I'm so bad. Last night I read before bed, and realized that I didn't want to put my book down, because I was soooo close to the end. Or so I thought :: wink :: So I just kept reading and refused to look at my alarm clock to note the time. And of course, I finished it and put it down only to look up at the clock to see 6:15!! haha I turned my light out and not 15 minutes later, my little sister is up and showering for school as I drift off into a fitful 6 hours of sleep. I need therapy for my reading addiction. Sometimes I just have to have those nights, because they are what prove to me that some authors are worth losing sleep over. their books are that riveting and enjoyable. If I could write like that... psh... I would in a heartbeat. I'd make millions of readers lose sleep just to finish my book lol
Okay, well I should prolly try to sleep before 6 am tonight. Maybe I'll pop a movie in and relax a bit before hitting the sack. Oh, and I really wanna go see Fever Pitch... any takers?? Looks good. Okay, thats it friends. Love you and will ttys!!

:) Deanna

A Return After An Unknown Absence

As I sit here and think
About all that You've done
About how You gave me Your one and only Son
And I'm trying to fathom
All that You are, but so far, Lord
You're so beyond me
I fall down in reverence
And I fall down in fear
And I'm asking You, Lord, won't You please draw near
Won't You open my eyes
So that I can see
The way that You are working in me
All I need is Your love
To come and fill this heart of mine
My heart is a desert that has gone dry
And I need Your love to carry me bye, bye, bye, bye, bye
To carry me bye, bye, bye, bye, bye
To carry me bye
And I lay down my life
And I put it before You
All that I am is in Your hands
And I'm not going to question, why You're so faithful
Why that You give me the blessing that You have
Let the glory be known, let the glory be shown
Lift You up unto the throne
You are my God, You are my King
To You I give, I give You everything
All that I need is Your love, my God
- Shawn McDonald

"I need your love to carry me bye..." Ah, sweet love. Only pure and perfect when felt from my Father. Oh Lord, who am I? What am I? Undeserving and nothing compared to all that you are. Your greatness and grace. Your mercy and majesty. Faithful and unfathomable. Beautiful and abounding in love. And so much more than I could ever imagine or take in. And although I screw up, make mistakes, don't always love like I should, and miss opportunities, he is ever present and ever near. Always forgiving, always loving, always perfect in every way. I am nothing. He is everything. My air, my blood, my life, belongs to him and him alone. And I don't ever want to fall away from him. Oh, that I would burn with a passion to know him more, and make him known. That I would not fall away, but grasp and hold tightly to the hope, strength, life, and love he offers with open hands. He is more than enough for me. Love you Jesus.

Today, I slept in. I woke hearing the wind rush by my window racing to who knows where. Warm and snuggled under the covers, I opted to stay there and fall back asleep. So I did. And now, hours later, I sit at this desk and type watching as the sun makes its decent unknown to most. But I have been watching it. I will soon leave and catch the brilliancy and beauty of color and light as its displayed by a painters hand across the sky with abandon. Maybe stop and grab a coffee, since the wind has made itself known to all, and is apparently here to stay for a bit. I was watching it earlier through the window as it whipped and wrapped itself around tree branches and pushed through the cracks and holes to invade everything it could reach. It strips bare whatever it touches. Exposes it to the world the reality of what everything actually is and looks like when not kept in order and tended to. That's me. Stripped down to what I really am. And what I have found is a girl who needs a lot of work. A lot of pruning. A lot of maturing in areas, and taming in others. To be fine tuned and made whole. To just simply be a child of God. Molded and refined by a most creative and beautiful God.

:: Sigh :: So today has been filled with a lot of thoughts and inward reflectivness. But also a lot of reading. I love getting lost in a world not my own. Unknown and brand new. Books are my escape. Thankfully today was a perfect day for it, and I was left alone and undisturbed to enjoy my bliss. I hope everyone's weekend proved relaxing and hopefully fun. Mine was disturbing in ways, mostly because of my own stupid ways, but wonderful because it ended right where it should. On my knees. A place where I need to spend more time. Praying you all have a great week and a wonderful end to this day. Miss you all, and love you all immensly! Talk to you soon

-Deanna

Jimmy Eat World - Kill

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I wanna go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting after means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Gotta take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know people can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
Tell me just what has it ever meant?

I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

Relentless

Moments surface throughout the day... make me wonder
Why do I look in vain, why do I stay
I wonder why it is that I seek
Knowing nothing will appear within the week
I put all my effort into it with undiscovered force
Thinking eventually... one of these days I will find my course
Soon, so soon
It will appear, I can't help but assume
But there is nothing, and no cures
Nothing to admit but my own failures
If only winter had been my season
And I could figure out my reason
Maybe then I would make sense of this turmoil
Maybe then it wouldn't make my emotions boil...
But up and over they flow
Help me unravel this so I can just go
But I can't run, I'm attached to this road
It curves with its own volition on autopilot mode
I feel like I'm lost and screaming my lungs out
These are my words, even if you have no idea what they're about
They are my only relief, my only air
They help me to breathe and I don't care if you stare
I can't jump ahead two weeks or even two years
I'm locked here to my own world, amidst hopes and fears
Left here, not knowing where I belong
I don't want to choke on regrets realizing I was wrong
Walking on my own is out of the question
My decision is made, whats said is done
I need you here
I need you near
Hold my hand and simply love me in this moment
Don't give up on me yet, I'm coming, don't relent

Same Old

Friday. The sun dawned unseen over the thick cloud cover that is still here. Not that I even saw that sunrise.... I was dead to the world, fast asleep in my bed. Under warm covers, I am positive I could've stayed there for at least 12 more hours. But alas, work comes sooner than I want it, as it always does, and I had to wake up and try to get back to normal before leaving at 3:45 pm. I read last night till about 4 am. I actually got really tired and started yawning and everything. My eyes got heavy... just weird. That hardly ever happens to me while reading. And the book is really good. I went to the bookstore the other day and bought 3 books. A Karen Kingsbury, Liz Curtis Higgs, and a Ted Dekker. I'm reading the Ted Dekker one, called Obsessed. It's really good. About Holocaust survivors and unknown pasts. That sort of thing. Anyways, I did in fact put my book down and go to bed, maybe only a fifth of the way into my book. Shocking, I know. And once again, awoke this morning, rather today, with a sore throat that had me coughing till now to allow some air flow. But within an hour or two, I'll be fine and feel fine and be back to normal. Only to have the same thing happen tomorrow morning. It really is quite annoying. My grandma keeps telling me to go to the doctor, but we agreed that only if it gets worse, because right now, its bearable. My mom is just like, "well take some medicine, stop reading so late, get some more sleep, and you'll prolly be fine." Thanks mom, I so enjoy this you know, I'm trying to drag it out as long as possible for my own pleasure and benefit. Sigh... oh well. I do love my mom to pieces, honest, she just cracks me up sometimes and makes me sarcastic at others. This is obviously one of the sarcastic times.
So I guess that's it for today. My grandma is making me soup... she is the best. mmm cheddar broccoli. With some french bread and juice, I will be set for the day. Not everyone can be as lucky as me, and have my grandma, no need to be jealous. Just kidding. She is really everyone's grandma. And she always tells our family's friends to call her 'grandma'. It's great cause they actually do. Okay, well off to get dressed, chug some water down for good measure, eat some good soup, and then off to work for the night. Hope you're all going to have a great weekend!! Talk to most of you soon. Much love!