ridiculous conversations
So this is going to be my venting post. Don't read if you don't want to hear about the frustrations that annoy the crap out of me. There's my disclaimer. Here's my entry. . .
What I really don't get is how I can get goaded into arguments and discussions that I know will never end with any point or reason to them. When I know that they are futile, when I know that regardless of what is said, nothing will change, no one will be different, and we'll all go home and go to sleep with the same messed up mindsets and twisted ideas of what life is like and who people are and what we're really doing. It's such bs. And I admit that right now I am a bit riled up about it because I'm sick of being used as "the friend that we keep around because we know she'll disagree with us and a few good conversations will evolve from it." No. Just no. I've done this for too long to just keep going along with it and have my worth be nothing but spouting advice and opinions that never get taken seriously and are never given the credit to be considered as true. Everything I say is just, "Oh well that's because you base it on those good Christian morals of yours." Yes, in fact, it is. Because that's who I am! And you know that's who I am, yet still you have to throw in those biting and cynical comments just to push me to disagree and have a reaction. Well I'm sick of playing that game, I'm sick of always being stuck in a group of people just to be outnumbered in opinion so that you can try and prove that what I say and think and believe holds no weight.
Yes, I am nothing like you. Yes, we don't believe any of the same things. Yes , I actually am not an alcoholic and am okay with that. Yes, I have a mind of my own and am not going to just roll over and take the blantant and complete mockery of everything that I believe in and hold dear, that you so love to just throw in my face. I know exactly why I'm here. I know exactly why I hang out with you. Why do you hang out with me? I'm with you because I love you and as friends, I think it's okay to disagree and still have a relationship that has depth and meaning and we can both learn a few things. But when it gets to here, where you keep me around for kicks . . . I find that I'm not to keen on that whole arrangement. I'm not going to be made a fool. I'm not going to get run over time and time again for your pleasure and benefit. I'm not going to sit idly by and watch you make bad decision after bad decision while you continually refuse to take advice and not try and make better choices, and not try and change-- and then complain about the outcome and the consequences of your foolish and ridiculous actions that you know will only lead you to where you don't want to be. You try to get out of the hole that is your life only to find that all your effort is spent digging your ditch deeper and deeper and deeper. You know the decisions you have to make, you know what you should do, but still you insist on fighting the entire way there because in the back of your mind you don't want absolutes. You don't want to have less controversy and adversity. You thrive on the unknown, on the thrill of what will happen, of the fact that you don't have it figured out. And you don't want the responsibilty of knowing that you are exactly where you want to be. You are exactly who you want to be. This is the outcome of your choices. And if you keep using the same logic and the same decision methods, my best bet is that you'll be no better off down the road. Insanity is to to do the same thing over and over, expecting different results. You're gonna end up in the same place, with the same problems, the same questions, and the same sense of uncertainty that pervades every area of your life. It doesn't have to be this way, but apparently you like where you are.
And honestly, can I just say that anytime you bring up my family or make a comment that in any way insults and degrades, know that I will take offense and that I will lose respect for you. You don't know, so you can't have an opinion. You can observe and make comments but don't act like you know what you're talking about. Don't think that you can even have a discussion where I will in any way bring a member of my family down. Everyone makes mistakes, we all have flaws and areas to improve, but pointing out my family's will never leave you in a good light with me. So let's just avoid that point next time and save you some breath, because you'll never find me unwilling to run you into the ground. My family will come first no matter what you say or who you are. Because as you say, accepting people's flaws and loving them for who they are is what relationships are all about. Let's just save me from writing this again in the future.
I have nothing left to say. I feel as though my friendship is pointless and unimportant to you. I feel that my sole purpose for even being around is so that someone will disagree and argue over 'philosophy' with you. Just find someone else if you don't have a better reason for hanging out with me. I refuse to be used.
So why are we friends? You tell me.
posted by deanna @ 2:38 AM
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