time

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There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven-- A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace. [Ecc. 3:1-8]
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Lord, give us strength to accept your will and peace to walk it out.

hold on tight

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When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.

Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory and
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed and
the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."

There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all your love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
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[[Timmy, you'll be forever missed and loved. 1.27.07]]

just find me here

so it's late night, almost one a.m., and I'm at odds with what to really say here. The words flow through my mind and I have to either just jump in and pull out the raw unedited version, or wait it out and let you have the sorted and put together stuff later. Oh, choices, choices. I'm honestly thinking of going with the true emotions thing here. Just busting it out and letting everyone deal with whatever it is, however it sounds, and likely the mess it will be. But what the heck, right?! Don't expect Plato revelations, just life.
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I woke up in bed today and rolled over to just stare at the ceiling. A snow flurry was just beginning to fall. I rubbed my eyes and hooked my hand behind my head. My shades were swaying and casting shadows on my wall as they brushed against each other. I burrowed down and just stared out the window. I could hear a plane landing at the airport. I could hear the tv on in the family room. And I could feel the heartbeat in my wrist consistently pounding against my temple. I didn't want to leave my bed. So much lately has been pushing me to think. Forcing me to analyze. Surrounding me with questions and very few answers. But staring out my window today I realized I haven't wanted too many answers. I strongly dislike feeling unsettled. And even worse is when I lay in bed and have all the time I could want to sort things out, yet I choose not to. I decide not to dwell on it. I divert my attention elsewhere and find solace in falling back to sleep only to go about my day avoiding issues because I don't want to deal with anything that will make me feel unsettled and uncomfortable. What a scaredy cat I am. A bit crazy just realizing how good I have gotten at this whole thing.

So here's the real issue. The true emotions.
I don't know what's happening with me. I don't understand why I'm more contemplative than normal. And I guess at the bottom of it all, at the very base, I can only accurately say that I know one thing for sure. And that's this: that He's changing me, for the better.

But somewhere in the middle, I started pushing back. Getting uncomfortable. Not liking the pain that comes with changing. Not liking the letting go. Getting frustrated with fighting myself. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired of getting things thrown at me and having to constantly question what I should do, what choices I should make, what decisions would be best. In the past, I've been very spontaneous with life. But those choices, made in a moment's notice, have normally been right. Maybe my spontaneity radar is a bit off. Or malfunctioning and causing me to have a brain aneurysm.

Bottom line . . . I have always asked and prayed to be broken. To have His will and not my own, to truly only want the things He wants for me. So why, when I finally get results from that do I want to hide in my bed and shout out, "I didn't mean it!!" I had always been told it's a dangerous prayer to pray. Something to consider before uttering. But in the moments that I did ask, I was so definite, so sure of wanting to know Him that I was uncaring of the path I'd find myself on. So after thinking about it, as briefly as possible I might add, I realized that I can't just continue to run. But I haven't yet figured out yet how to stop myself. I've done this for far too long . . .



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"there's beauty in the breakdown"

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I hate today

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just holding out for the lakehouse . . .
6 months isn't so long, right?

Dear Lord.

now that I'm back

So, after talking to Bee, we decided to begin blogging again. I do miss it, every now and then I start to think, "How different would life be if I could actually remember moments from the past 6 months?" But it has been a blur. Partly because I haven't been writing down memories and commiting them to be important, partly because I just have a bad memory in general and get lazy. But enough about that.

I start back to school today. In 35 minutes actually. Another semester at the local community college and a few more months of late nights, papers, too many books, and the 40 min drive there. But on the other hand, it's not so bad. I rather enjoy the pace it keeps me on. Because if I wasn't in school, I would be sleeping the days away and working whenever they schedule me. So I guess it keeps me out of trouble... or it makes a valid effort.

This will be a short entry since I must leave for my psychology class. Keep an eye out for some more goodness to come ;)