all I have

::

my hands are shaking
my eyes have gone silent
my mind is shutting down

I'm losing focus
relaxing my grip
releasing thought

it's so clear now
I have no fear
you're razor sharp

the darkness is seeping out
the light is rushing in
give me a chance to hold on

give me a chance

::

take me for who I am

--
when I woke: 1 p.m.
what I'm wearing: cozy teal sweats and a t-shirt
what I've done: hmm... ortho, read a bit, laid out, ate some cereal
weather report: perfectly warm, slightly cloudy, a lazy sunny day
high of the weekend: going to Indy friday for the Chris Young concert
low of the weekend: not sleeping
song playing: all the same- sick puppies
plans for the night: doing nothing and loving every minute
--


It's on days like this that I can think and sort through the 80 mph thoughts that have been racing across my mind for what seems like an endless amount of days. Life should have slowed down since being out of school, but instead, every other area has picked up the slack and increased my constant processing.
The new job has gone unbelievably well, and not surprisingly, me and lisa get along wonderfully like we always have. Mainly it's when we just let each other live our own seperate lives and don't really invade much, but that's okay. We can still talk about anything and everything when the need arises and that's what matters. We do trust each other explicitely.
The summer is looking to be full of fairs, concerts, road trips, time spent at the lake, and as much sun as my skin will allow me to get. Which is exactly how I like it, so there's no complaining from me!
My family has changed a lot in the last few weeks. My brother Denny and his g/f Brandi are having a baby in December and I am so thrilled. They really are adorable together and I can see the excitement in my brother's eyes as he talks about it. In the beginning it may have been an invasion to his freestyle life, but he has taken it in stride and been the man I've always admired in him. He'll be such an amazing father.
Becky took a traveling nurse job and she is starting out in Tampa. She leaves in about a week and a half and it will be hard to see her go. We've never been as close as I would like because we're just so completely different. Her and Lisa'a personalities are so much more alike, and I tend to be the odd-sister-out in that scenario. But I will still miss playing tennis with her, talking about new release books that I bought to read and pass on, discussing the funny family going-ons, and just the laid back comfort in the way we accept each other and enjoy the fact we'll always disagree on some things but that it doesn't really matter. I still have to think of something special I can do for her before she goes.
I have to take my Basic EMT certification test soon and am just not in the mood to study now that summer is here. But I will because I know I need to. My common sense always wins out in the end . . . annoying I know. But what's a little test now after everything else right? Then it will be my Medic School pretest later in the summer and hopefully get in. If not, I have no idea what the heck I'll be doing.
I've also been having mini reflective moments of late. Seeing things just a bit clearer as I step back from the situation. How I treat people, the tone I use, the words I choose. I've been trying to be more conscious of others' and not so self-centered. I do see now why others have told me I get very aloof and introspective at times, mainly because I notice it myself. When things are on my mind I tend to shut out a lot and focus on it. Proving that I really do not multitask as well as I first imagined. When things are in the forefront of my mind, it's all I see. But in return, I've also been working on analyzing those things and storing them away a bit more quickly and easily. Not dwelling on them all the time, but designating times that seem much more appropriate to deal with it all. Not letting time with my friends and family get ruined because I have an insane amount of thoughts running through my head like a freak ;)
Maybe I'll have a more insightful post tonight. For now, here's some lyrics that are far too true at the moment. Music amazes me.

I woke up one morning to find myself wrapped in the things I swore I’d never touch.
And here I am again trying to save what’s left of you and I
So why aren’t you satisfied?
I tried to get it right
But I was just wastin’ my time ‘cause you never compromised when it came to us
We struggle and fall apart we build it back to static start
The endless accusations I can’t believe we made it this far.
I reached out, fell short

take a deep breath . . . and breathe

It's a weird feeling, sitting here on a Sunday night realizing I don't have anything to do but sleep and work. I smile on that knowledge alone. This is by far one of the best feelings in quite some time. It's great that such small joys in life make me happy.

Work today-- Ugh. I couldn't wait to simply drive home and unwind to the low melody of music and comfort of the dark that had settled. It felt wonderful to just lean back in my seat and imagine sitting here right now writing about nothing.

So I finally found a digital camera that I want. But of course, typical of Deanna, I choose one that will put me in the hole a few thousand dollars. We'll see if I can save a mad amount of money this next year and maybe it will become reality. I'm definitely going to try and make it to Missoula, Montana next summer for RMSP's Summer Intensive program. A June-August trip that would literally make me thrilled. I'm excited just thinking about it. We'll see . . .

So I have a new Ted Dekker book that I'm in the middle of, and I wish I could concentrate enough to make this post even semi-interesting, but I am way to determined to finish this book so I can pass it on to Becky. It's getting good, which is classic since it's close to the end. Stupid writers . . . they're way too good at what they do.

So in my departure, I will leave you with a few T.S. Eliot quotes. He was a famous writer/poet/critic/editor of the 20th century and I've been reading some of his stuff, so here ya go:

• What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.
• Poetry may make us from time to time a little more aware of the deeper, unnamed feelings which form the substratum of our being, to which we rarely penetrate; for our lives are mostly a constant evasion of ourselves.
• This love is silent.
• Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things.
• Poetry should help, not only to refine the language of the time, but to prevent it from changing too rapidly.
• Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood
• We shall not cease in exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

county fairs :)

So here is the official county fair schedule for this year, so you'll know exactly where I'll be on the following days . . .

[Ottawa County Fair]

• Wed, July 18 @ 8:30
• Eric Church and Jason Michael Carroll

[Lenawee County Fair]

• Wed, July 25 -- The Wreckers
• Sat, July 28 -- Joe Nichols

[Monroe County Fair]

• Mon, July 30 @ 8:30 p.m.
• Trace Adkins

[Wood County Fair]

• Fri, Aug 4 :: Josh Turner
• Sat, Aug 5 @ 8:30 p.m.
• Phil Vassar and Miranda Lambert

[Fulton County Fair]

• Mon, Sep 3 @ 7:30 p.m.
• Phil Vassar and Rodney Atkins

what a week

I have officially scared myself... this week, within 5 days, I have got a total of about 12 hours of sleep. And driving to work this morning at 5:45 a.m I realized I was quite literally falling asleep at the wheel-- and I decided that I can't do it anymore. It was even more frightening to know that I couldn't wake myself up... I was just trying and do whatever possible to focus and drive, and stay on my side of the road. I gotta start making sleep a bigger priority. I mean, we all know I love it, I just don't get much of it. I even fell asleep through parts of Lost this week.... that in itself is a warning sign!

Today I decided I am going to ride my bike to the park. Pedal out some of the frustration and fatigue, gain a little energy, and wind down my mind at the same time [if that's possible]. It's so beautiful out and I'll just fall alseep and never get up if I stay home. What I really wanna do is lay out in the sun and read a good book, but I can be a bum another day ;)

So the job's been going well, and it does provide a healthy use of great tasting coffee at great convenience. Espresso shots work miracles, I am convinced. Maybe my mind just conjures up the effects, but could I really be immune to that much caffeine? That's disturbing.

Well . . . my life is not that thrilling. I am having a hard time even thinking of things to write about. So this was a ridiculous excuse for a post, but oh well. Time to get my butt outside. Then home to shower and change and head off to see Spiderman 3 with mi familia #2.


p.s. I'm going to be Aunt Deanna in December :) Can't wait . . .