it's a battle

Sometimes I wonder what the heck I’m doing. Sometimes I sit at this desk at work and I want to put my head down and pretend I’m somewhere far away from this place; away from the problems, away from the difficulties, away from normal. But I can’t run from life can I? Can’t avoid what has been placed within me and around me. I could manage to get away from it for awhile, but it’d always catch up, haunting my every day and night. It leaves me feeling like I would just love to quit sometimes. Give up trying. Give up caring. Not feel obligated to carrying this cross.

It’s not in me though. Not in me to give up even though I wish I could at times. So I still am alone in what feels like an open field, grasping empty pages-- hoping I'll manage to put down my heart in words if nothing else. I stand, clad in an armor that is made of nothing more than a fear that is my own making. I have no physical armor anymore. I can’t compensate with pride, or beauty, or wit. I simply exist here; sure I should be so much farther along, but not knowing if I really want to be there. I am not brave, nor courageous. I am such a fool. I once wanted to know what it was like where I feared to tread . . . was I this serious?!