:: Merry Christmas!! ::

I do hope everyone has a wonderful day! I love today. I don't even care really what I get... I love watching people open their presents. I love laughing with my family. Telling old family jokes. Reliving memories. Making new ones. Taking pictures of everything. Breakfast, staying in my pajamas, and lounging all day. Maybe watching a movie and playing some games and cards. What fun Christmas is. Enjoy it!

:: Edit as of now, because I need to write some stuff down, even if it is Christmas. ::

As for my conversation with Tony, it ended as soon as I got serious enough that he either got fed up or uncomfortable. But it's okay. I realize now that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how we're friends. It doesn't matter why. Doesn't matter that we don't talk that often and sometimes not at all. The fact that we hardly ever have a conversation without getting frustrated, that we both try or think we understand each other, and that amidst all of the disagreements and observations and opinions... We're still ourselves. All that matters is that we're friends. And in that friendship, it may be rough, it may wear me out like no man's business... But it's worth it. Worth it to know him a little better, understand him a little more, and love him for just being who he is and not trying to be someone he's not. There's a lot of respect in me for people like that, for him. People who aren't afraid to be themselves. Whole package, entire deal. This is me. Accept me or reject me. Sam comes to mind. And that's stepping out, being your own person, risking a lot. And altho I may not understand where Tony's coming from, or what he does and why... I understand that in his chaos that's his life... There's a simplicity to him. A basic survival need. A core belief that all aspects of himself must be controlled, protected, locked at times... For the good of him, his heart, who he is. Survival mode. Instinct. Gotten hurt before, so he won't let it happen again. Betrayed before, so don't let others in. I tried. I always have. It used to make him mad. He'd tell me to stop. Tell me to leave him alone. But the fact that he's cold never scared me, never made me want to back away. Almost made me want to get closer and know why. And even when he tells me things, thinks that they will upset me, or turn me or change my mind... They don't. They just settle the truth of the situation farther into my mind. Engraved on the tablets of my heart are words that I could not have put there. Words that I know are not my own doing. But they are there none the less, and only get stronger and more pronounced with each conversation, each tear, each time I see his face. Love him. Simple but then, not at all. Love takes everything out of you. And then puts it all back. And what better time to have this realization, this conversation, this post.
Christmas. A day that is based on love. The Father's love. Unconditional. Unfathomable. Unexplainable. But accepted because without that love, I would be nothing. I would be cold, empty, and broken. But brokenness is a process of rebuilding, and I am finding that I am broken often. For different people, different situations, different times. But brokenness ultimately makes you better. Because you will be rebuilt to be something far better than what you were to begin with. So today, embrace that brokenness. His brokenness for you. Because it was all for you. The blood was for you. The cross was for you. Jesus is everything.

:: Merry Christmas ::