Lord...

Wide awake tonight. Drove home from Bee's at 12:30 and ended up at Meijer's. Walked around there for... what seemed like hours. Up and down the aisles. Felt the soft pillows. Looked at cd's. Walked through the book section. Tried on flip flops and sandals. Bought a big dry erase board and markers. And a pad of paper in a green folder. Every step, every aisle.... new thoughts, old thoughts, contemplations running through my head. Letting my mind wonder. Just needing to walk. Sort through the jumble of things that have overtaken me and captured my attention this day. Putting my mind on the track and letting my thoughts run their course. Finishing with prolly more than I started with. But thats okay. That's my process. Gotta put everything through the gauntlet and see what survives.

One thing that I have not been able to escape is the simple fact that I don't seek Jesus like I really want him. I don't persue him with an obsession to know his heart and know his face. I don't refuse to give up till I get him. Somewhere along the way I have taken the easy way out. Taken the spot on the crowded street where everyone else is standing and waiting, and claiming they too seek him. But do we? Do I? I think I need to take the off ramp to a less traveled, less crowded highway. Travel at his pace, following him, not expecting him to follow me. Keeping him in mind, his will, his heart.

Lord, that I would truly seek you. Open my eyes and my heart. I empty myself of everything of this world I have let in. That you would take and throw away the trash that is slowly decaying my walk and my faith. That I would come before you with clean hands and a pure heart. Cleanse me. Forgive me. That I may walk with you again in the beauty and majesty of your presence and glory. Refine me. Mold me. Brek me. I wanna be used. Let me be a vessel. To once again have child like faith. To believe. Really believe. If my belief was where it should be... if I truly trusted your word... I could do anything in your name. Ask anything. "Seek and you will find. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened." Teach me to pray. Teach me to trust. Teach me to believe.