I'll be okay tonight

it's okay I'm going home now
I'll be okay tonight
I just wanna be alone now
with the dark and the light
that's my favorite color blue there
as the sun sets in the sky
there's just something in the hue there
in the corner of my eye

in the dark and the light
in the blue and the white
something's pure that I am missing
something's sure that I am not
holding back and never letting you see

light a match in the dark now
see my shadow on the wall
doesn't look too much like me
no it's not like me at all
pour over what you wrote
and the letters burn the page
I see all the things you meant to me
in the things you didn't say

in the dark and the light
in the blue and the white
all the things that I've forgotten
all the things that I am not
holding back and never letting you see

now I am
now I am

Such a good song. Putting me in the mood tonight to write. I sit here and flex my fingers, feeling how stiff they are because this room of my house is so frigid. Pressing them to my lips, I get shivers down my spine. But all the better, it will make me write quickly and easily no doubt.

Two and a half years ago, almost exactly, there is an entry on October 26, 2004. I went back and reread some of my older posts and got quite a bit from them. But this one, from close to the beginning, made things a bit clearer in my mind. I could easily repost it word for word this minute and prolly have almost all of it be true again for me right now.
It was about Tony. At that point I had known him for 3 years. This year it's coming up on 6. 6 years. Some of the worst and best times of my life. He's tried to push me away from day 1. Always claiming along the way that it was for my own good. Saving me from him. Making my decisions for me. Trying to be a hero. Thinking he has it figured out. Thinking he understood me even a little. And I had hoped he did. But he hasn't. Not at all. And that is the tragedy of it all. He's been so focused on himself for those 6 years that I have often been the back-up-late-night-talker-when-I'm-ready-for-some-stimulating-conversation. At first, [heck, who am I kidding] for pretty much that entire chunk of time, I kept telling myself that one of these days maybe this will become a real friendship. My foolish, foolish heart. Granted Bee, she's tried to talk me around and shed some light on it all, but I've been stubborn.
So I'm letting go. I did it then, and made it; I think I can do it again.
He's always trying to mask what he really wants to say, Covering up his feelings, his emotions. Hiding behind a logic that he has constructed to keep him safe. He's in his pushing mode again. Attempting to reduce me to nothing of importance. Resorting to silence and an eventual retreat into himself and his own tormenting mind. Back to his insensitive facade where he tells me I'm easily disposable. Back to throwing words and reasons as quickly as he can come up with them. But it's wearing thin. He's running low. And I'm tired of the lies that keep falling from his lips. Maybe next time he comes around I'll have a better memory. Maybe next time I won't be so quick to give in. Maybe next time I'll see that is was never time for us, it was never time to let me in. Maybe next time I'll be stronger.

• "And now, he is still the closed off statue that he so enjoys being."
• "I've had enough and am so tempted to forget the whole thing and say "I don't care." So knowing that I still do care I came to this conclusion. I'm done. Done calling, done trying, done attempting to get through."
• "Yes, I care. A lot. But I can't keep this up. It kills me. If he wants to keep up with whatever he thinks we have, then he can. I'll be here for him no matter what and he knows that. He's a good guy, with a lot of potential, and a lot of good qualities, but he won't let a single soul near enough to find them. I see them every once in awhile, and that's why I care as much as I do. But I can't just let myself watch him pull back into his shell over and over again. It's too painful. I love who I see inside him, but he's too afriad to let anyone in. So I'll live with what he portrays, I'll be friends with the guy he lets everyone see and know. And I'll hope he oneday opens up to someone who cares about him as much as I do. Be who you are Tony. Be the guy that I knew and loved."

Tonight's soundtrack:

1. Blue and White: Beth Waters
2. Shelter: Ray LaMontagne
3. Reasons Why: Nickel Creek
4. Thinking Over: Dana Glover
5. The Fear You Won't Fall: Joshua Radin
6. So Are You To Me: Eastmountainsouth
7. Iris: Goo Goo Dolls
8. Whenever You Remember: Carrie Underwood
9. Hide And Seek: Imogen Heap
10. Love Your Memory: Miranda Lambert
11. Kill: Jimmy Eat World
12. When You Come Back Down: Nickel Creek
13. Farewell: Rosie Thomas