dealing

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So I got teeth pulled today, and some more brackets and wires put on. Not fun. I really just want to eat lol. Gauze isn't the best substitute. It'll have to do for now.

And now it is time for the Bachelor Finale. So I am off to watch and then sleep some more. Maybe pop a few more pain pills here and there....

insanity post

So I must say that glo-bowling is indeed fun, but after 4 games... not so much. The lady next to us was so funny, she had me rolling. It was pretty great, a lot like I remembered, and even better with good friends.

I realize it's almost 5:30 am and that I am still awake, but only because tonight was just...
[[sigh]]
[[smile]]
...it was one of my favorite nights ever. I'm not sure I can even get to sleep now, it's past my tired stage. Now it's an annoying-- I can't fall asleep, I wish I could, guess I'm not going to, might as well get up and do something -- stage. Basically... Brittany, Sam, Abby, Deanna night is in the almanac for best time in a long time.

I am afraid for monday.
It will be worst day in a long time, minus the day after I got braces because let's face it, that day sucked worse than anything. But monday, monday is get two teeth pulled and more brackets put on day. I have a feeling tuesday will be a "kill me now I don't want to deal with this pain" day. I'm hoping not, but we will see soon enough. If I'm grouchy, don't hate me.

hmm...
well, about 12 minutes have passed since I started this. I'm randomly reading things stuck to the corkboard next to me. My mind is leaving me, or has already. I should prolly make myself lay in bed until i fall asleep or I will be worthless tomorrow. I should go job hunting. but it's the worst. The absolute worst. You would think being burned alive or drowning would be bad ya know? But man, job hunting just bites. Maybe I'll sleep in and snuggle into my new bed. Anybody want to join? There's room for plenty!

I'm leaving now.
Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. I'm going to leave before I say something else really stupid. Let's just disregard most of this post...

randomness survey

4 Jobs I've had:

1. walmart cashier
2. christian bookstore
3. nanny
4. Uh....does being a student count?

4 Movies I can watch over and over:

1. two weeks notice
2. pride and prejudice
3. ice age
4. the notebook

4 Shows I love to watch:

1. the bachelor
2. smallville
3. alias
4. american idol

4 Places I've been on Vacation:

1. florida
2. venice beach, cali
3. va beach
4. lake of the ozarks, mo

4 Favorite Dishes

1. lasgana
2. french toast
3. salmon
4. strawberry salad

4 Websites I visit daily:

1. yahoo mail
2. blogger
3. xanga
4. google

4 Places I'd rather be:

1. in my comfortable bed
2. anywhere out west
3. on a road trip
4. the beach

4 Bloggers I'm tagging:

1. Abby
2. Janelle
3. Jason
4. basically if you're reading this, you have to do it.

a few perks

These are just a few of the things that help me get out of bed every day, and some that keep me going when my bed is all I want to get to.

1. humming the lyrics from Lost, "cause I miss your sandpaper face against mine" in the shower every day because I listen to it non stop.
2. being an addictive away message checker... helps pass the time.
3. the zucchini bread my grandma made.
4. writing on everyone's facebook wall when I get bored.
5. knowing that it's okay to not have answers.
6. deciding that marrying paul walker is not an unreachable goal.
7. moving in with brittany for however long and getting all my new bedding put on just to realize how stinkin comfortable it is. this is going to be an adventure.
8. knowing that even tho me and janelle have only talked twice in about 2 months, I still get a huge grin everytime I find a message from her. you're so enjoyable.
9. reading erica's blog and thinking everytime, "man, I really miss that girl. like a lot. we need to hang out." and then never writing it. So if you read this, I miss miss miss you.
10. getting random text messages.
11. having good hair days (like today).
12. finishing the ted dekker series and hoping I find something else to read soon.
13. picking up my camera and taking pictures that actually inspire me to take more.
14. emails from long lost friends.
15. dinner with my extended family.
16. dress shopping with my mom and sisters.
17. dreaming of more road trips.
18. knowing that even when I don't feel like writing, if I actually sit and do it, I normally pleasantly surprise myself. I don't have to always feel like it.
19. listening to counting the stars by waking ashland and attention by the academy is over and over everytime I get in my truck.
20. and late night aim convos that normally leave me smiling as I drift off to sleep.

not in the mood

Lately, writing as just seemed... annoying. And I've even been avoiding aim like the plague. I've done this before, just got sick of it all and quit for awhile. But maybe one day, I'll feel like writing/typing and will just put a random post up.

I'm on the last Martyr's Song book by Ted Dekker. Seriously, this guy is incredible. These books have so much depth to them. So much more than just another fiction book. Granted, sometimes I am just looking to read and not think too much, but these books have just pulled me in and now I can't stop reading. I started the fourth one last night after I went out and bought it b/c I couldn't wait to read it. And then I read till about 4 am when my eyes were closing on me and I was still trying to read. Pathetic isn't? I really am a bookaholic. So then I just slept in today and rolled over in bed, thinking, "what should I actually get done today?" And I glanced to the floor at my right, thinking laundry would be a good idea seeing as how it's taking over my room. And definitely a shower. And then... well... guess I'll just read. Goodness, you know it's bad when you spend all your free time reading. Sometimes, days like these are what get me through though.


:: really good song, found it a bit ago, so enjoy ::

::

tragic, confusing, when you slammed the door
I've never lost someone like you before
I let you go softly not even a sound
hoping that someday you'd come back around

cause I miss your sandpaper face against mine
the way you get impatient waiting in line
it doesn't matter if we don't agree
I like you even when you don't like me

and I'm lost
when you're away
lost
faded to gray

captive to words that I wish I could say
I'd never imagine I'd crumble this way
cause I thought this was where I belonged
dont leave me wondering if I was wrong

cause I'm lost
when you're away
lost
faded to gray

cause I'm lost
when you're away
lost in the shadow that you left behind
lost
faded to gray
lost in the night in the absence of light

::

a prayer

::

beneath my shadows and doubts
as light pierces and climbs through
after thoughts fail to invade
when pretending is sufficiently smothered
I listen and hear my own heartbeat--
to say it beats steady and true
I cannot admit to saying in confidence
I falter quite often along the way
and in brief moments
I blink away the world and wonder how
backsliding can seem convincing
and I weep at the pain
in knowing retreats appeal
because I have not learned
not fully understood
not been truly prepared
to learn to live by dying
but if I do not die
I do not live

::

weekend in

I am finding that spending time at home can be quite therapeutic. I have not ventured out much this past week. Well, the trip to get books was definitely worth it. Oh, and finished the new Dee Henderson book... quite amazing, as usual. But I have not been feeling up to dealing with all the drama that it entails to go out with people. Just not up for carrying conversation and would prolly just start blurting out what I really thought, and let's face it, people would not be happy with me. I can be too blunt sometimes. I know, I know, I'm working on it.

I did go out tonight and see Firewall with my mom and her fiance Jon. Harrison Ford has still got it, that's for sure. It was a good action thriller. One of those non-stop, you're not allowed to think, just enjoy it, type of movies. I loved it.

And my dear friends Bee and Danielle, bless their hearts, brought me Just Like Heaven and a tub of Thin Mint Chocolate ice cream. That's the meaning of quality friends... they know what essentials are and don't mind dropping them off. Which the chocolate did indeed add some variety to the vanilla ice cream department. And the movie... who doesn't like that movie? I mean, come on, Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo (he's completely adorable by the way), it was just as good as it was seeing it the first time.

You will all be glad to know that as of today my diet has expanded to mashed potatoes, vanilla ice cream with sprinkles, thin mint chocolate, and I even managed some green beans and a few bites of chicken! woohoo!! Watch out, I can feel the real food coming. Altho, now after about 5 days of not eating a whole lot, I think my stomach has shrunk which is a blessing in itself =)

Well, I know my last posts have had no substance to them whatsoever, but I haven't felt too inspired to write much deep stuff. Maybe sometime this weekend I'll get to that. If not, oh well. Now I must go, sleep time is a wastin'.

undefined

It is crazy how undefined my life has been. It's gone by so fast, and yet, there really is not much to mark the passage of time. That makes me determined to figure out what I want. Regardless of anyone or anything else.

There's a new Dee Henderson book I am really tempted to go buy today. I should quit spending money tho. But I need a book, I've been out of good ones for awhile. I always reread old ones and altho it does suffice for a bit, new ones are exciting to get.

"Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten." I'm getting addicted to Natasha Bedingfield I've been listening to her, Waking Ashland, The Academy Is, Moulin Rouge Soundtrack, Further Seems Forever, and a random mixture of a lot of other stuff. There's so much music, and it all fits different moods and times, it's so great. I'm always open to more suggestions so send them my way.

I should try and do something productive that doesn't involve the computer because I just get stuck listening to music and writing on here. This is it for now....

"was it fate that brought us here
or my mistakes I made in fear
is it too late to change my mind
who have I been?"

my dying day

You know, I think if anyone had even attempted to talk to me yesterday, I would have told you I was dying.

I have been known to possess a fairly high pain tolerance, but I did not know braces could hurt that bad. The pain made me sick to my stomach, which in turn made me throw up every couple hours even after there was nothing left to throw up. I had the chills, the shakes, and only the mental capacity to know I wanted sleep and more pain pills. I just left the bottle next to my bed, and I'd wakeup , attempt to calculate how long it'd been... and if it was a sufficient amount of time, took more pills and went back to sleep. I was only awake from 3-5pm, and 8-11pm. The rest was spent in my bed, under my covers, and trying not to talk or even move my mouth in any way. My mother would come check on me and I'd just mumble something and roll over while she would pat my back, say a prayer, and leave me some more water. The highlight was being able to talk to my stepmom for a bit last night. Mostly she talked and I said "uh huh" or "huh uh", but did manage a few sentences and coherant thoughts. It was nice to have her pray for me and not mind when I said "hold on a minute I have to go throw up", and then come back and finish talking. Those are the people you love lol.

But thankfully today was much better. Since I had so much sleep the last two days I was awake at 5:30 am. I kind of dozed until my mom came down at 6:30 with some sprite and more pills. By then I was pretty much wide awake and managed to stay up and read until10:30. Mostly it was to make sure I wouldn't throw anything else up, but being able to finish my book was an added bonus. The sleep once again found me until 2:30 this afternoon. I did manage to eat today so that was encouraging. And my orthodontist called and assured me that the day after is always the worst and that from today on it should only get better. That was lovely. I almost wanted to hug her. Almost.

I was definitely looking scary after 3 days of only knowing my bed and not being willing to venture outside at all. So today after showering, eating dinner, and managing to curl my hair, I felt human once again. My mouth is still sore, but I only pray it gets better. And now I am going to try and brave the world while attending youth tonight. Not many people know I was even getting braces so it will be interesting trying to dodge everyone and hide in my corner during worship. Maybe I can make an escape without too many people wanting to talk. Fat chance. but hey, worth the effort.

Hopefully this wasn't as depressing as it sounded while writing it. I am doing better and am grateful for that. And maybe I won't want to rip these things off every day of the next year and a half. I guess that is all for now. I must quit stalling and actually leave. Here I go. Wish me luck.

I barely survived

I am home and experiencing my first day with braces. And as much as I hate them, I just keep telling myself..."It'll all be worth it." And you know, it works for a time. Then I remember my senses and wonder what possessed me to get these things on my teeth. Sigh. I guess it'll be a lesson in learning not to care. I always thought I was pretty good at being indifferent, and not really letting things bother me. But I guess my vanity does pop up every now and then, today is one of those days. So for as long as possible I will be a hermit, and then when I am used to them I will attempt to brave the world.

Other than that news, I had my interview at bed bath and beyond this morning and it went really well. I'm hoping that the store manager thought the same. So we'll see about that. if not, I can always try and get a job working at the toll booth. lol. Chill, read a book, take everyones money. Not a bad option. So who knows, my life is somewhat up in the air at the moment.

And now, after those two short paragraphs, I have no motivation to write more. So that will have to do. It sucks, I know, just don't even read it. I'm out of here...

a change

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I need a new life.
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