Survey Thingy Majigy

::

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE

Name: Deanna Lynn Walerius
Birth date: August 20, 1985
Birth place: Toledo Hospital; Toledo, OH
Current Location: Toledo, OH
Hair Color: Dark brown
Righty or Lefty: Righty

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE

Your heritage: German, Indian, English, Scandinavian
Shoes you wore today: my pink No Boundaries slippers
Your weakness: a guy that can make me laugh
Your perfect pizza: Pepperoni, green peppers, mushrooms, thin crust
Goal you'd like to achieve: Novelist

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW

Your most overused phrase: "oh my goodness"
Your thoughts first waking up: "It really can't be time to get up"
Your best physical feature: I like my eyes
Your bedtime: I have no bedtime
Your most missed memory: girls nights, and fricker's

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK

Pepsi or Coke: Root Beer
McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
Single or group dates: Single
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Either
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or coffee: situation decision

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?

Smoke: No
Cuss: Not really. Only when I hurt myself, or get mad at myself for being stupid
Single: Yes.
Take a shower: Yes
Have a crush(es): not really
Think you've been in love: not in love, but I have loved
Want to get married: um, shyeah!
Believe in yourself: I try to
Get motion sickness: nope
Think you're attractive: sometimes
Think you're a health freak: haha definitely not
Get along with your parents: most assuredly
Like thunderstorms: Most def. do love them
Play an instrument: learning guitar

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH

Drank alcohol: had a sip of smirnoff at Britt's 21st party
Gone on a date: def not
Gone to the mall: no
eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
Eaten sushi: no
Been dumped: nope
Gone skating: nope
Gone skinny dipping: haha no

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER

Played a game that required removal of clothing: nope
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: no
Been caught "doing something": geez no, not even close
Been called a tease: yes
Gotten beaten up: never, unless tickling counts...

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER

Age you hope to be married: at any age lol
Number of Children: 3 or 4 I think
Describe your dream wedding: small church, close family and friends, huge reception
How do you want to die: content and satisfied with life
What do you want to be when you grow up: A good mother and wife, novelist, photographer, counselor...
What country would you most like to visit: Scotland

LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY

Best eye color?: no limitations
Best hair color?: just dark
Short or longhair: hmm, depends on guy
Height: def taller, or at least my height
Best first date location: anything fun and laid back
first kiss location: ....

LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS

Number of people I could trust with my life: A sizeable handful. all my family/ friends are loyal.
Number of CD's I own: no idea... all on mp3 player now!
Number of piercings: ears
Number of tattoos: 1
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper?: prolly never
Number of scars on my body: too many... face, leg, forehead, foot, knee, the list is long lol
What song would best describe your life? "Kill" Jimmy Eat World

Untitled

The clock ticks out its rhythm
I listen to time disappear
I sit still and wonder
How did I get to here

Your face I don’t always see
Your touch won’t seem to stay
But your voice still lingers clearly
Your words… they won’t go away

This house constantly shifts with age
The floorboards complain with misplaced weight
But it’s withstood life’s weather
It still stands strong, solid, and straight

The drawer still holds my list
It rests among letters I have written for years
Voicing what you have never heard
Words admitting my hopes, fears, dreams, and tears

Because your face I don’t always see
And your touch won’t seem to stay
But your voice still lingers so clearly
Your words… they just won’t go away

The clock still ticks its rhythm
Every stroke giving admission for time to appear
Standing and wanting to run
To find and know anywhere but here


::: Today's Thoughts :::

• I am officially not working at walmart anymore.
• I have time to waste and it feels... weird.
• I have an interview for another job.
• I might go to my dads and maybe VA Beach next week. Everyone welcome to join.
• I am definitely ready to not be single. It just hit me today. Lord help me. lol
• I want to go to the drive-in this weekend... and hope I can find someone to go with.
• I have realized I haven't hung out with friends for ages. It saddened me. I still love you guys!!
• I have so much I need to do that I am scared to even start. haha
• I am definitely reading my new books
• Some tanning to relax sounds... blissful. It always lulls me to sleep. Even when I'm only in there for like 10 mins! Maybe I'll go today.
• I have been horrible with reading my Bible of late. I need to get back in the habit and desire.
• It's raining... which means perfect sleeping weather!!! To bed with me!
• I absolutely, extremely, and most definitely look forward to seeing each and every one of you ASAP =) Call me, or I will hunt you down!

Gnite!!

p.s. How's the poetry?? Seemed a bit shaky to me.. but it has been awhile... honesty is the best policy!

So...

So today is friday. I called off work. Bad, right? I know. I just needed a friday off. Besides, my allergies have been kicking my butt, and a day to recover would be absolutely splendid. I finally bought my mp3 player. That boosted my spirits. I love not having to carry cd's with me and not having to burn cd's of everything I want to listen to. It's beautiful.
Oh, and I'm quitting walmart. I'm bound and determined now, and will not be stopped until I have another job. I have been given a few suggestions and am going today to put those apps in. My cousin was a manager of Holcomb's, it's like a teachers store, and I could easily get in, just not sure how much the pay is. And the other is at an Alltel phone store. So we'll see.
Hmm... so I don't feel like writing anymore. Hope you kids are all having a good day and I will talk to most of you soon. Love ya!!

Later -

:: Hide ..::.. Joy Williams ::

::

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they’re not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don’t have to hide
You don’t have to hide anymore
You don’t have to face this on your own
You don’t have to hide anymore
So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
Anyone who’s trying to cover up their scars
To anyone who’s ever made a big mistake
We all been there, so don’t be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You’ve been alone for way too long
And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
‘Cause He knows where you are and where you’ve been
His scars will heal you if you let Him
You don’t have to hide
You don’t have to hide anymore
You don’t have to face this on your own
You don’t have to hide anymore

::

I've been hiding. I've wrapped myself inside of a blanket that is safe, secure, and able to keep me from getting hurt. I've hidden from stepping out, taking chances, accepting challenging risks. I've been hiding from a life different than the one I have. Hiding away from major changes, problems, and anything else that scares me. I've held my pain inside. I've closed my door, closed my eyes, and locked myself away. Held back from going near the cliffs and ravines. Stood as close to the trunk of the tree as possible. Held a grip on everything and everyone close to me so that it wouldn't slip out of my hands. But slipped it has.

My resolve has disappeared. My life has taken turns of its own volition. God's will has won out and mine has slowly diminished in the shadows of who he is and what he has planned for me. I can't escape it. I can't deny it's effects on me. I can't help but pray with all of the air in my lungs, that he'll hold onto me, when I can no longer hold onto him. That when the weight of life and its changes slowly burden me, he will support me. That when all seems hopeless and I'm ready to throw in the towel, he's without a doubt the only one still giving me stength to get through. As time rolls on, he still stays beside me, encouraging me to be bold, to be real, to live a life worthy of the calling I have received. To freely give as I have freely been given.

I don't have to hide anymore
I don't have to face this on my own

I'm so tired of hiding...

ahh... life

I dragged myself from bed at 6:45 this morning. Definitely reaffirmed that I am not a morning person. I can make myself seem awake for awhile, but I about pass out the first chance I get. haha I babysit my neice every wednesday now, so it's fun, just makes for a very long day. Especially coming home at 3 and then going to work at 4. And then coming home at 1 am.

So work is... well honestly, not fun at all. I mean, in ways it can be okay, but almost unbearable. I said I would wait to get out but I don't think I can wait much longer. Too much going on. Too many potential problems. Lord deliver me lol. So a new job is a new number added to my list of "Get Done ASAP!" Other things on that list contain things like, "make doctor's appt.", "make eye appt.", "buy mp3 player", "get an oil change", and the newest... "get out of walmart alive and then worry about finding another job." Ah... life. Gotta love it.

I will write again soon, but I am beat. And lots to do tomorrow too. But love you guys, and will talk to you in the near future. Night all

Up at twelve thirty. Talking to my grandma. Going to walmart with her to buy a grill. Putting it together outside in the sun. Laughing at each other. Enjoying the weather. Eating at Uncle John's Pancake House at 3. Reading with a pillow and blanket on the couch for a couple hours. Taking a nap for 3 hours. Reading some more. Finished my book. Sitting on my deck, wearing a fleece, just letting thoughts and reflections and my imagination flow and toss things around. Rolling concepts and verses and allowing the simple facts I know to set in. Really contemplating what the heck I'm doing. Getting back to where I should be. Finding my way home. Building my foundation as I go. Sometimes reconstructing sections, but thats okay. Demolition is sometimes just part of the process for rebuilding later. Sometimes painful and hard work, but worth it in the end.

:: sigh of relief ::

I'm happy to be home.

Lord...

Wide awake tonight. Drove home from Bee's at 12:30 and ended up at Meijer's. Walked around there for... what seemed like hours. Up and down the aisles. Felt the soft pillows. Looked at cd's. Walked through the book section. Tried on flip flops and sandals. Bought a big dry erase board and markers. And a pad of paper in a green folder. Every step, every aisle.... new thoughts, old thoughts, contemplations running through my head. Letting my mind wonder. Just needing to walk. Sort through the jumble of things that have overtaken me and captured my attention this day. Putting my mind on the track and letting my thoughts run their course. Finishing with prolly more than I started with. But thats okay. That's my process. Gotta put everything through the gauntlet and see what survives.

One thing that I have not been able to escape is the simple fact that I don't seek Jesus like I really want him. I don't persue him with an obsession to know his heart and know his face. I don't refuse to give up till I get him. Somewhere along the way I have taken the easy way out. Taken the spot on the crowded street where everyone else is standing and waiting, and claiming they too seek him. But do we? Do I? I think I need to take the off ramp to a less traveled, less crowded highway. Travel at his pace, following him, not expecting him to follow me. Keeping him in mind, his will, his heart.

Lord, that I would truly seek you. Open my eyes and my heart. I empty myself of everything of this world I have let in. That you would take and throw away the trash that is slowly decaying my walk and my faith. That I would come before you with clean hands and a pure heart. Cleanse me. Forgive me. That I may walk with you again in the beauty and majesty of your presence and glory. Refine me. Mold me. Brek me. I wanna be used. Let me be a vessel. To once again have child like faith. To believe. Really believe. If my belief was where it should be... if I truly trusted your word... I could do anything in your name. Ask anything. "Seek and you will find. Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door will be opened." Teach me to pray. Teach me to trust. Teach me to believe.

Less Like Scars - Sara Groves

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

And more like
Character

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the 5th sentence.
4. Post the sentence in your weblog along with these instructions.
5. Don't search for the coolest book; only the one closest to you.

"One died of an overdose and one in a drunk driving accident."

Haha, that's fiction for ya kids! Terri Blackstock, Trial By Fire... in case the curiosity was killing you :)

A Full Life

Coffee seems like the perfect ending to this day. Added warmth, some writing, some reading, some music...

Today was a good day. Lunch with friends at Max and Erma's. A movie with them. A lot of good moments that made it so enjoyable. Just having fun and relaxing and trusting that you can be yourself, sit back, and laugh at the beauty of who you are and who you know, and how much fun you have with them. Loved it.

And my stepmom came through Toledo today. She was here for a few hours. It was great. We really just have the most amazing relationship. She gave me a book, we talked about life, we caught up on whats going on, I prayed for her right before she left for Michigan, and she'll be back on Friday so we can see some more of each other. We can pick up and talk like we've seen each other every day for the past month. I love knowing that. Feeling that. Being grateful for that. :: literally 20 minutes later :: She just called me a block away from my house and was frantic because she had lost her charge card. She came back and we searched her car, and to no avail, it is gone. So I promptly showed her that its okay because she can call the 800 number and cancel her card and see if anyone's used it. She was very glad that was available, because she was definitely worried. So that is done and taken care of and she is calm once again and on her way. Now it is back to coffee drinking time.

Small dreams make dreaming a waste. If its easily attainable, why dream it? That's merely wanting something and making it happen. Dreams are amazing and something to strive for because of the fact that you have to trust that they are in God's hands. That he protects those dreams and makes them happen according to his timing and his plan. Truly dreaming is being confident that when you are fully trusting God and his sovereignty, you're dreaming the same dreams he has for you, his are just 10 times better than what we can even think up. And thats why sometimes, dreams change, or don't happen according to how we want or see them happening. Because God's best for us is more than we can imagine and dream for ourselves. Above and beyond our understanding and planning. He orchestrates for us. Puts it all together and let's it play with more divine understanding than we can ever hope to have. So dream I will!

Tomorrow is filled with searching the paper for jobs, getting an application from the hospital, getting back into the habit of doing devotions daily, trying to think of what to get my mom for mother's day, mailing a few letters, and then working at 4. I hope you are all having a good week, even tho they are hectic with school and our ever busy lives. A lil something to leave on, because it has been on my mind of late:

"It is because of the hasty and superficial conversation with God that the sense of sin is so weak and that no motives have power to help you to hate and flee from sin as you should." - A.W. Tozer

"God, I pray Thee, light these idle sticks of my life, that I may burn for Thee. Consume my life, my God, for it is Thine. I seek not a long life, but a full one, like You, Lord Jesus." - Jim Elliot

Through customs... I'm headed straight for my plane and blue skies

No place to go. I really want to see the world. I want to get on a plane and leave this place to let it fade from view. I don't hate Toledo. I like it, in fact. But I want to experience the wonders that exist outside of the realm of reality that I have been surrounded by for years. To have some adventure. Be spontaneous. :: Sigh :: Someday... someday my dreams will come true. Even tho at times I feel like I'm losing my hold on them and that they are slowly getting lost and falling through the cracks of this fast paced life. I just want to slow down. Enjoy it. Live it.

I went to church this morning. I've been going to Solid Rock, downtown. It's really good. It's so down to earth, and the people just honestly love God and seek him with everything that they are. It's awesome to find a church like that. Not fake, no facades, just real worship, real people, teachings with conviction and the truth and a whole lot of love. So good. Afterwards I came home and took a nap. Thats right, gotta fit in the Sunday down time! Jason, you'd be so proud of me, I actually fell asleep! I'm talkin... hardcore, I was out like a light and woke up wanting to sleep all day. But alas, I had to go to work at 4. What really annoyed me about today is that I had a meeting for the new church plans tonight. And I was not going to go into work. But so many people have quit and called off, that I couldn't not work. Made me so mad. I started ranting to my sister about it and she was just sitting there like, " Okay, so yeah. A little upset huh?" I just... grrr!! Walmart is frustrating me. So thats why I'm looking for another job. That's right, no more working at walmart, I can't take it any longer. I just, can't. :: exhale :: Okay, enough on that topic.

Oh!! But about my nap, I almost forgot. I slept so hard I dreamt for almost the entire time, or so it seemed. I hardly ever dream, and I rarely, I mean, hardly ever remember them. But I remembered this one. Weird. But it was a good one to remember. Dreams are so interesting to me. How our mind produces them is... unbelievable. So yeah, not sure why I shared that, but o well.

Um, I guess thats it for now, I'm drawing a blank. Oh, Janelle... loved the most recent post... it really intrigued me... I never thought of explaining myself like that. Most I knew, but there were a few things that were cool to find out. And I love that we both got on tonight and both felt too tired and had too much going to talk. Was a perfect fit for us both. I am going to go read and relax and sleep in :) Talk to you all soon. And Erica and Bee... calling you girls in the next few days... we need to hang out or I'll go out of my mind! Love you!! G'night all -