New Year's!!

:: Alas, a new year is about to dawn. ::
Actually, I am not much of a new year's celebrater... I just don't think it's that thrilling... maybe because now days, the whole thing is an excuse to be in a drunken stupor all night long. Ridiculous. People are just so, I don't know... stupid? Yeah, that's close enough to the word I was looking for. So I hope for all you fellow non-drinkers, that tonight is still a time to just have fun with friends, play some games, watch a movie, and just laugh, smile, and enjoy being with people that you love.
Work has calmed down immensely from what it was like a week ago... but now it's just stupid people returning tons of stuff... and that gets old really quick. But I'm down to about 20 hours a week and its killing me. I need money! But I'm just trusting that work will be available when I need it to be.
Well folks, time to go shower and change and head back out for a night of food, friends, and.... oh yeah... fun! Lots of fun. I hope everyone enjoys new year's and doesn't drive around at 3 am with the drunks... or hoping that you're not the one drunk... be smart, be safe, and have a dd if you're gonna be illegal and all that stuff.
Till next time....

Exodus

My youth group's winter retreat starts tomorrow at 10 am. I know, too early! So I will be gone till Wednesday. But man, this retreat is always phenomenal! I'm talking the most amazing times of my life. Literally. So just so you all know, I will not be around, but I will have my cell, so feel free to give me a call and we'll chat :)
Today was good. I worked 6 hours, had a family Christmas, and managed to update this thing even tho I'm dead tired. I am now going to go read, pack, and then sleep a bit before hitting the road tom morning at 9.
Till next time... Adios amigos!!

Cookies... and more cookies... with lots of milk of course

The table in my living room is basically filled with every conceivable Christmas cookie known to man, and even some extras that my mom had to test out on us... and they are amazing. Let me just tell you... fabulous. You should definitely come to my house and taste test some!
Today, Sunday, marks another day to go through all the hoorah of the holiday season... my fam is coming over for dinner, gifts, games, and lots of laughs. And I have to work at 5:15... argh! But I need the money. So no more complaints outta this girl.
Okay, I am off to read a bit... then bed. Hope everyone had a very merry christmas!

:: Merry Christmas!! ::

I do hope everyone has a wonderful day! I love today. I don't even care really what I get... I love watching people open their presents. I love laughing with my family. Telling old family jokes. Reliving memories. Making new ones. Taking pictures of everything. Breakfast, staying in my pajamas, and lounging all day. Maybe watching a movie and playing some games and cards. What fun Christmas is. Enjoy it!

:: Edit as of now, because I need to write some stuff down, even if it is Christmas. ::

As for my conversation with Tony, it ended as soon as I got serious enough that he either got fed up or uncomfortable. But it's okay. I realize now that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how we're friends. It doesn't matter why. Doesn't matter that we don't talk that often and sometimes not at all. The fact that we hardly ever have a conversation without getting frustrated, that we both try or think we understand each other, and that amidst all of the disagreements and observations and opinions... We're still ourselves. All that matters is that we're friends. And in that friendship, it may be rough, it may wear me out like no man's business... But it's worth it. Worth it to know him a little better, understand him a little more, and love him for just being who he is and not trying to be someone he's not. There's a lot of respect in me for people like that, for him. People who aren't afraid to be themselves. Whole package, entire deal. This is me. Accept me or reject me. Sam comes to mind. And that's stepping out, being your own person, risking a lot. And altho I may not understand where Tony's coming from, or what he does and why... I understand that in his chaos that's his life... There's a simplicity to him. A basic survival need. A core belief that all aspects of himself must be controlled, protected, locked at times... For the good of him, his heart, who he is. Survival mode. Instinct. Gotten hurt before, so he won't let it happen again. Betrayed before, so don't let others in. I tried. I always have. It used to make him mad. He'd tell me to stop. Tell me to leave him alone. But the fact that he's cold never scared me, never made me want to back away. Almost made me want to get closer and know why. And even when he tells me things, thinks that they will upset me, or turn me or change my mind... They don't. They just settle the truth of the situation farther into my mind. Engraved on the tablets of my heart are words that I could not have put there. Words that I know are not my own doing. But they are there none the less, and only get stronger and more pronounced with each conversation, each tear, each time I see his face. Love him. Simple but then, not at all. Love takes everything out of you. And then puts it all back. And what better time to have this realization, this conversation, this post.
Christmas. A day that is based on love. The Father's love. Unconditional. Unfathomable. Unexplainable. But accepted because without that love, I would be nothing. I would be cold, empty, and broken. But brokenness is a process of rebuilding, and I am finding that I am broken often. For different people, different situations, different times. But brokenness ultimately makes you better. Because you will be rebuilt to be something far better than what you were to begin with. So today, embrace that brokenness. His brokenness for you. Because it was all for you. The blood was for you. The cross was for you. Jesus is everything.

:: Merry Christmas ::

My Weirdness

1. I only like 4 pronged forks
2. I have to park straight in parking spots
3. I hate being hot, I'd rather be cold
4. I always drink milk out of a mug
5. I throw pennies away because they annoy me
6. I chew on toothpicks incessently... and don't know why
7. I refuse to sleep with a top sheet on my bed
8. I tend to fall asleep laying flat on my back... and wake up that way
9. I like to hold pillows
10. I have to have sprinkles on vanilla bean ice cream
11. I bite my bottom lip quite consistently
12. I hug people a lot
13. I turn on loud music in my house when I'm by myself
14. I can sit and do nothing for... well, honestly for hours
15. I love the smell of woodsmoke
16. I hate falling asleep during movies
17. I associate feelings and thoughts with pictures, images, memories
18. I love the feeling of "lift off" when flying
19. I love observing people
20. I hate being alone in a crowd of unfamiliar faces
21. I don't confront people
22. Puzzles frustrate me
23. I want to be able to paint
24. Driving/ riding calms me
25. I have a picture of a marlboro man in my keepsakes box
26. I think learning to quilt and knit would be fun
27. I want to live somewhere that's somewhat remote
28. I'm predictable to a fault
29. I like silence
30. I dislike dressing up often

Snow!

Well talk about blizzard conditions... some places east of 75 got up to 15 inches of snow, and then there's the blowing, the drifting, the slush, the mass chaos of stupid drivers....

But fail not, I still have to go to work at 2 because Wal Mart is of course, packed... as usual. Why don't people just learn to stay home and not go out in bad weather?? Like read a book, wrap some presents, eat some soup and just chill. People are so messed up. But thats okay, thats why I work retail, to be there for the last minute shoppers. And of course, the dedicated and obsessive shoppers that just can't stay home no matter what. So after some good food, some more laundry, and watching a little jeopardy, I will be off to work till 8:30.

Last night was good. I got to hang out and spend the night at kayla's house. We haven't really caught up in a long time, so that was good. It felt just like when we were younger, which was... surreal. But we talked a lot, about life, about love, about faith, and of course about movies we have to/ have seen. We've always been able to talk forever... just keep a running conversation going no matter what or where we're at. It's great. Just pick up where we left off, resume the topic or grab a new one, it doesn't matter. I love that.

Oh! And I saw Lemony Snicket's: A Series of Unfortunate Events! Sooo good! I loved it. So definitely see it if you get a chance. I love movies. Just quality.

Hope you're all having a wonderful Christmas Season... Love you all. Merry Christmas!!

Playing Catch Up

I have never enjoyed recapping weeks worth of momets because its nearly impossible. But I will make a valiant effort to write and inform the few that read this what has been going on. in my dull and never exciting life :) Get ready folks, here comes a long entry. Just remember you were *Pre-Warned*

Work has been... ah whats the word... unpleasant? That does little justice to the reality and mental picture that you can grasp from this: huge crowds of crazy minded shoppers, lines that strech down isles filled with impatient and rude customers, having to elbow my way to get to the back of the store to clock in each day, walking "stealthily" as to avoid other shoppers and still make it through the mob in record timing, people who treat me as their personal shopper, not the cashier who just takes their money and sends them on their way... out the store. Happily of course, and always with a smile on my face, kind words, and apologies of the wait. Okay, whew! Just thinking about it makes me stressed and tired. haha So no more descriptions of Wal Mart.

I had my dad's family Christmas last weekend at Maumee Bay... it was fun as always. I love my family. I got the new Jeremy Camp CD: Restored, Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper, and Desiring God by John Bevere. Also a turqouise ring that is gorgeous from my dad and stepmom. I do have a question, which I asked of a friend already but must restate for the sake of others. Have you ever had specific moments in your day that you want to just freeze and remember? Like wishing you could just always remember how you felt at that moment, what you were thinking? On Saturday, I had one. I wanted to freeze it and capture it to memory forever. Sitting in our room just talking, there was tons of food, lights and decorations everywhere, Christmas music playing softly in the background, and family. I was curled up against my dad, my head snuggled perfectly onto his shoulder, his arm fitting perfectly around me and a blanket to keep me warm... just listening to his heart beat. I closed my eyes, and just felt an overwhelming sense of... rightness. A perfect moment. Untouched, beautiful in its simplicity. I sat there with my eyes closed just thinking... this is how God holds me. This is how he comforts me. He draws me close and holds me tight and says I can stay there as long as I want. That was my frozen moment. My forever memory picture, added to my slideshow of only a few others that have captured my heart so and made me want to hold on and grasp them for all they are worth.

I had a very odd occurance within the past few days. A guy named Rob, who I worked with at Wal Mart in VA, was online and IM'd me, which he normally doesn't talk a whole lot, or open up really. Anyways, we were good friends, he's 24, and we hung a few times. He's a guy that I could've easily fallen for, but didn't let myself. Mainly because I knew I wasn't staying, but also, partly because he wouldn't even let me close to knowing him for real. Standofish, always held an arms length away. So I just let it go, and moved home, and didn't dwell on what mighta happened. But he's one of the people I miss talking to, hanging out with, just laughing with. He was a good guy. Is a good guy. So we talked, about the past 6 months, about what we had both thought, and about the fact we both missed each others company. It was awkward and hard for me at first... I am not the most forward person when it comes to my own circumstances and confrontations. I was so wary of what I might say wrong, what might come across as crazy, and if I was even making sense. But it went fairly well, and I was glad to get the inital talking out of the way. Who knows how much we'll even talk now, but it was good to just get all the stuff from before out there and be done with it all. So yes, I confronted and and I lived to tell about it! :)

As for other news, I am going to my old youth groups winter retreat next mon, tues, and wed. It will be good, it never fails to amaze me, and God shows up and changes everything. So I am excited about that, and even goit the days off work, miraculously. Well, now I am off to finish laundry that has overtaken my room, and clean a bit in my basement. Family coming for Christmas and gotta make it look spiffy. We'll see how that goes.

I'm Back!

Whew... talk about a long break from my baby... it has been 20 days! And so much has happened. Interested in reading about it all?? Well you'll have to wait a bit longer cause I am off to hang out with some friends! :) But I will update fully... Lord knows I don't use that word lightly friends! So off I go! And I'll leave you with a short list of things that make me happy, since work is driving me nuts... See how nice I am? :: cough :: Uh hum, so here's the list:

1. Having my very own meteorologist just a few thousand miles away keeping me up to date on my current weather affairs.
2. IM's from people I miss and love
3. Christmas cookies
4. Wrapping presents
5. Suggling by the tree with a blanket and good book
6. Getting to check my email once again
7. And finally, being able to update my blog
8. Oh, and telling people I love them... cause I do. I heart you!!

Points to Ponder

These are a few things that I was told about myself, and a few things I just found out. Either way, I need to write them down and think about them, so you get to read them. Sorry! Well, not really, I mean, it is my journal :)
1. That I am very forceful in my convictions
2. That I am blunt and upfront
3. That I "worry" too much about unsaved friends
4. That since I am not in college, I must be afraid of it
5. That friends agreeing to disagree is great

I have realized that I have come to a crossroad in life. And it made me think of a verse I memorized a few years ago. Jeremiah 6:16 "Stand at the crossroads and look. Ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." That just hits home for me. Especially the rest for your souls part... kidding. But really, the spiritual wilderness that has resided over me for much of the past few months is running my well dry. I get snatches of Him here and there, and I grab ahold of them so tightly, not wanting them to diminish in any way. But they do... eventually. They lose their luster, their shine. I can't live on what I got yesterday. And I don't think He wants me too either. I have realized that everyday I need more of Him. I am to the point where I refuse to be satisfied with words, visions, glimpses, touches, and feelings I had yesterday, or the day before, or last month. I am stating that I know there is more of God to be had, and I will not be satisfied with what I have found and felt and touched and known. I need more. I need more of Him. He has become the air I breathe. He is becoming my everything. And in a world where we are programmed to not be satisfied, and to always want more things, more stuff, more junk... I have found that none of it matters. Things don't matter. When I signed up to be a follower of Christ, I gave up my need for everything but Him. He supplies my needs. And I am learning more and more to understand what Paul said when he stated, "I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." Do I live a life, worthy of my calling? Doubtful. And its almost painful that i am just now coming to this conclusion, but I have to beleive and trust that everything has a time and a season, and everything works for the good of those who love God. He never fails me. He makes all things new. He lifts me when I my strength is gone. He carries me when everything drags me down. He never leaves my side.
So much to say, so few words to describe what I feel. I'll just leave it at this. Last night I got a word at church, and I'm gonna post it. I normally don't ever do this, but today seems like an exception.

My Spirit is upon you.
Will you let the fire that is in My heart, burn in your heart?
My Word will consume you.
I am a consuming fire.

My Weird Food Habits

I sometimes find myself eating the strangest combination of foods. Like today...

1. A piece of oreo pie (lunch?)
2. Salmon patties, green beans, and potatoes (dinner)
3. chicken fried rice
4. Some slices of cheese
5. E.L. Fudge cookies (previous 3... midnight snack?)
Maybe they are just weird to me... I think I'm just weird.

So... Today is my day off!!! No work, just a million gazillion things to do. I need to make a list. But I won't bore you with it on here. I worked today, my feet got tired. I ran into a lot of people i knew, or have known in the past. Strange. I have also fallen into a routine of sleeping a lot. Maybe I shouldn't. I don't know. But I do know I like it. But that doesn't mean its a good thing. The questions of life... whether to sleep in or not haha

So I hate making decisions. Well maybe not hate. Some decisions are easy to make. But there a few that drive me up the wall. Like... What to do with my life? What direction to start in? College? If so, where? Whether I should buy a green scarf or a brown one... kidding. Anyways, just realizing that I need to make some of those decisons soon. I'm starting to feel the weight of responsibility to be an adult, do some adult stuff, and make some adult decisions. But I don't want to be an adult yet. Well, I kinda do, but not really. I want someone to give me some pointers and a general direction, and I can head that way. Maybe thats too much to ask. Maybe I do need to grow up. I am such a baby.

Okay, I am going to go read and bury those decisions for another day. Not on my day off... but possibly later in the day I'll find some time to squueze them in. Any advice is welcome friends, I'm fresh out on this one.

::: Anyone know of good cd's to buy?? :::